Avoiding the Pitfalls of Friendship

A man that has friends must first show himself to be friendly – Bible

That’s not me folks! That’s coming “straight outta di Bible”.

On a serious note, have you ever met someone and it felt like you have known them all your life? By the same token, have you ever known someone all your life and are left wondering if you every really knew them?

Friendship is one of the most common, yet misunderstood relationships out there. It can be complex, yet simple. You have husbands and wives who are also friends; cousins who are friends, even strangers who become friends but are more like family. You get the picture. Somehow though, so many people have difficulties with friendship. Wonder why??

We start forming friendships at an early age, in the most innocent and organic ways. It has been interesting to watch my son grow up and transition through his many “friends”. His best friend changes daily, but that’s ok when you’re 5 years old. I just don’t think it’s fine when you’ve crossed over into adulthood and have no real friends that you can count on or when you change friends every couple months. Of course, as we grow we evolve and our needs change but there are some common threads we should look for in sustaining friendships that will carry us throughout life. I do believe everyone needs that.

Here are some thoughts on how you can build and improve your friendships and avoid some of the friendship pitfalls

1. If you are looking for a friend, then be a friend

Now, I know I am going to catch some flack for this but I do watch some of these reality TV shows. The Real  Housewives shows on Bravo TV have been known to be dvr’d by me from time to time. When I get a chance, I do try to catch up on the Atlanta one (What!!! Sue me, it’s my secret indulgence). I watch these shows, if for nothing else to see how awesomely great my life is!! I don’t have these issues with other people over absolutely nothing, and have it played out for the whole world to see!!! I know it’s entertainment but man… it can get rough.

When I hear some of these women talking about who is whose friend and what a real friend should be doing, I really want to say “Ladies, you are not friends!!! You’re just on the same reality tv show!!!”. They can be so nasty to each other, then they throw the word friend into the mix and somehow, it should all just resolve itself. “Friend” is thrown around very loosely and there is no real value attached.

I believe that if you are looking for a friend, YOU must FIRST be friendly. It’s not for the other person to win your friendship, for you to sit back and watch what they are doing and judge. YOU have to be a friend and you’d be surprised how that reciprocates.  Friendship is a two-way street.

2. Take it slow

By the same token, at the beginning of any friendship, TAKE IT SLOW. Don’t go divulging your deep dark secrets to someone you have just met not knowing what their intentions are for you. Kinda similar to a romantic relationship.

Do the “dating” thing. Get to know each other. Find out if your core values are the same. Can you have a conversation for more than 5 mins? Do they only talk about themselves? What do they say about you when you’re not around? Are they supportive of your dreams and aspirations?  That kind of thing. If these things are not in place, you best believe you will end up with a friendship crisis on your hands. Noone wants that.

3. Watch out for red flags

Red flags in a friendship can come in many forms. Trick is to be able to spot them and identify them for what they are. One friendship red flag is your friend not being able to accept, let alone pay you a genuine compliment when it’s deserving. If someone is commending or complementing you and your friend finds a way to add a negative jab at you, you might want to take note.

There are some people for whom friendship is a means to an end. They are in it for what they can get out of it and nothing else. When you’re up, they are with you. When you’re down they are nowhere to be found. I know it can be hard to tell, but to save yourself from the issues down the road, you need to be able see it coming. And you might not do anything about it, but identify it for what it is and don’t put too much value on that friendship.

4. Some people you just have to love from afar

Isn’t that the truth! I’ve had a really good friend for many years now that I love like a sister; in spite of her crazy antics at times. After high school, we lost touch because she left the country to attend college. From time to time we would connect and it was all about catching up and resetting but we would always be in and out of touch. And then she would just disappear.

As best as I could, I’ve been there for some pretty important events in her life. When her father died I was there to support her, when she was grappling with the thought of motherhood I was there, when her daughter was being christened I was there.

Right now, I have no clue where she is, or what she’s doing. I have tried to maintain contact but for whatever reason it did not work for her. But you better believe that if she needs me I will support her in whatever way I can. However, I will not force it.… I understand the nature of our friendship and it is what it is. No more, no less. I can still love her from a distance.

5. Know when it’s time to move on

This one is hard. I know. But sometimes we have to move on from some people. Sad to say. If a friendship is draining the life out of you and you can’t find a way to survive in it, then it might just be time to move on. And maybe it doesn’t mean not having any interaction with that individual, it could just be that the nature of your interactions needs to change.

If there is more taking than giving, it might be time to change… If you feel suffocated, it might be time to cut ties…

At the end of the day, life has many seasons. They require different kinds of friendships. It’s your lifelong friends that will be your anchor and your compass during changing seasons. I have been blessed to have these kinds of friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin. Doesn’t mean we agree on everything, but there are some basic cords that bind us that are hard to break. I sincerely wish and hope for you the same; that more people will be able to discover the value of true friendship.

Thanks again for stopping by. Feel free to share your experiences and connect with me through my social media channels.