Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive(Accentuate The Positive)

You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive
E-lim-i-nate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don’t mess with mister in-between

You got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith, or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

I know I will date myself for doing this but I remember watching this program called Homefront on TV back in Jamaica when I was growing up(back then we used to get the shows after they were done with them in the US or England). The verses above are from the theme song for that program. It’s been many, many years but that song has stuck with me to this day. You don’t really have to go beyond the first 2 lines of the song; accentuate the positive – eliminate the negative. Basically the message is to focus on that positive aspects of life and reduce the negativity.

Have some fun! Listen here

Have you ever met some people(or you might be one of them) who all they can focus on is what’s wrong, or what won’t happen instead of focusing on what’s right and what could happen? People who focus on negative outcomes instead of the positive possibilities? Or what they don’t want instead of what they want? Who would rather spread discord rather than peace? Those who feel they have to comment or react to every little issue rather than trying to find positive solutions to correct them?

I am sure you all can relate, we either interact with these personalities daily or we are those people.

Here are my thoughts on how to remain(or become) positive in most circumstances. Please bear in mind this is from my own personal experience and may not be applicable to all. However I am sure there will be a few take-aways for most of you.

Focus more on what you want(not what you don’t want)

This is a basic concept of science(like attracts like). We have to operate in the realm of what’s positively possible. If we try to avoid something, we somehow attract that very thing. No wonder some people practice the power of positive affirmations daily so they can set the tone for a good day. We attract what we focus on. For example, you shouldn’t be saying “I don’t want to be in debt” but rather “I want to be debt free”. Semantics, maybe but it’s a drastic mindset shift that takes place with a simple change. “I don’t want to be in debt” focusses on the problem, that you don’t have enough money. On the other hand, “I want to be debt free” says I will focus on what it takes to be what I want; being debt-free.

This doesn’t mean saying a bunch of mumbo jumbo like “I’m rich, I am going to have a million dollars in my account by Friday”. It simply means expecting abundance, knowing that you are worthy, believing in yourself to manifest it. Somehow that turns a switch on subconsciously that it can happen; and it will. Now I don’t believe that this happens magically but the mindset shift turn into actions which support the positive outlook. I had a friend who always used to say to me “Positive vibrations bring positive results”. Sounds like Bob Marley’s song but it makes a whole lot of sense. Obviously Bob Marley was on to something there.

On the parenting front, I see it everyday with my son. You want him to make a positive change, you give him props for what he has done. And use that as encouragement for the things he needs to improve on. Not the other way around.

Don’t mess with Mr In-between(Don’t sit on the fence)

This is a message for myself as well. While we are focusing our attention on what we want(as opposed to what we don’t want), focusing on what it would feel like if we already have the positive situation, we should try not to focus on the what-if it doesn’t happen scenario. We have to be convincingly positive in our minds and stay that way. Now this is not to say that negative situations will not arise, but it’s all in how we handle that situation that will affect us.

This is easier said than done of course, but I really believe that you FAITH will be the source of strength to remain positive. I find that people who do not have the strong backing of their faith to help them through tough times tend to remain in the land of negativity about any and all circumstances that life throws at them

Spread Joy

Now, I wondered if it was coincidence that I read several LinkedIn posts this week about people who have been able to spread joy to others in unexpected ways simply by engaging with strangers. Two of them were people who were able to help others that were down on their luck in their job searches. If any of you have ever experienced what that feels like you know what I mean.

In one instance, one person was met a gentleman on a flight, heading back from home from a job interview. They struck up a conversation, which evolved into an interview(unbeknownst to the guy who needed the job). Amidst vulnerable moments, even tears, the guy who was down on his luck poured it all out. Turns out he was speaking with someone who had the power to hire him and was looking for what he had to offer. He was hired on the spot, earning more money than he did in his last job!! What an awesome way to spread joy!

There are lots of lessons in this encounter but I will focus on our ability to make positive impact on other people’s lives. Sometimes what may seem insignificant or small to you can have a huge impact on someone else. A simple “Good Morning” or a compliment can change the course of a person’s day. No telling what it can do for you too. I firmly believe in the mantra “The good you do comes back to you”…. the bad as well.

Thank you for spending time with me today, sharing my thought on positivity. I hope you found it helpful. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with me as well.

Life Lessons from the NBA Finals

Another NBA season has come and gone. The Golden State Warriors prevailed for the second time in three (3) seasons, and were crowned champions. For all my sports fans out there, share with us some valuable life lessons from the recently concluded NBA Finals.(Walk with us through another guest post from my sports-loving and obviously wise brother)

The Dubs, as the team is popularly called, prevailed over the Lebron James and Kyrie Irving led Cleveland Cavaliers, four (4) games to one (1). Kevin Durant was awarded the trophy for being the most valuable player (MVP) of the finals. The Warriors ended with a post season record of 16 – 1.

Never be afraid to take on the giants in your life

Numerous accolades and superlatives were accorded to Durant. He competed on a fairly even basis with King James, the league’s marquee player (regarded by many as the best player on the planet), to lead the Golden State Warriors to victory. For KD35, it was a personal triumph. He bore the brunt of criticism from past and present players, as well as spectators, for ‘joining a seventy three (73) win team.’ How could the NBA’s second best player commit such a faux pas! They called him ‘soft’, ‘cupcake’… even accused him of ‘hopping on a bandwagon.’

‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man’, when the Warriors needed leadership, KD stood tallest and was counted.

It takes a village

Despite the individual exploits of Durant and Steph Curry, the reigning MVP of the league, the raison d’etre for the team’s success is to be found in the deeply rooted ‘strength in numbers’ concept. The extremely unselfish nature of the team’s players, including its ‘world players’ demonstrated this. Let’s look at the this interesting statistic from the NBA finals; number of assists per game recorded for each team. The Warriors amassed thirty (30) assists per game compared to twenty two (22) for the Cavaliers. Caring is indeed sharing.

It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish

The Team

Let’s take a closer look at the Golden State roster. The nucleus of the team was acquired through the league’s lottery system or NBA draft as it is otherwise called. Steph Curry was selected with the seventh (7^th) pick in the 2009 draft, Klay Thompson, eleventh (11^th) in 2011 and Draymond Green, the lowly thirty fifth (35^th) in 2012. All three honed their skills and talents through great work ethic and became repeat NBA All Stars.

For the 2016/2017 season, the team retooled via free agent acquisitions: Kevin Durant, a perennial all-star (who chose to swap Oklahoma City for the more urbane city of Oakland, California) and Zaza Pachulia, NBA journeyman whose previous tour of duty was with the Dallas Mavericks. The Warriors squad also includes NBA veterans such as Andre Iguodala, Sean Livingston, David West, Matt Barnes and Javale McGee, a group that made tremendous personal sacrifice to achieve the collective goal, winning a championship. The roster also includes up and coming players such as Ian Clark, Kevin Looney, Patrick McCaw, Damian Jones and James Michael McAdoo.

Focus on your game plan

The Finals

The NBA finals provided riveting action. The television ratings told the story. The finals was the most watched version since 1998 (Source:Neilsen). The action was non-stop and enthralling, with the pendulum swinging from end to end. LBJ gave everything he had. Averaging a triple double for the series – attaining double digits in points (33.6), rebounds (12) and assists (10) was no mean feat. Kyrie was typically Kyrie (averaging 29.4 points per game), proving to be unstoppable during critical stretches.

Whilst the greater number of highlight reel-worthy plays belonged to the Cavaliers (due the degree of difficulty for shots made), Golden State had greater success moving the basketball around the perimeter resulting in more open shots attempted and made. The Warriors’ bench outscored the Cavaliers’ bench thirty (30) to twenty two (22), enabling greater periods of rest for the Golden State starters resulting in the Dubs players being much fresher towards the end of the game. LBJ and Kyrie averaged forty two (42) and forty (40) minutes per game respectively compared to KD ad Steph who logged thirty nine (39) and thirty seven (37) minutes respectively.

At end of the series, jubilation and unfettered joy filled the Oracle Arena, the Warriors’ fortress. (The Dubs were undefeated at home during their historic playoff run). The champagne flowed, celebratory cigars lit and confetti flowed down from above as the Dubs were again at the top of the mountain.

Success does not come overnight

The success of the Warriors did not take place overnight, it has been due to the hard work and thoughtful actions implemented to make the dream; the transformation of the once mediocre establishment into a championship winning franchise, a reality. Some of notable changes are as follows:-

The purchase of majority ownership of the franchise by Joe Lacob in 2010;
The hire of Bob Myers as Assistant GM in 2011 (promoted to GM in 2012);
Appointment of Lakers legend Jerry West as Board Member;
Replacement of Head Coach Mark Jackson with Steve Kerr;
The continued selection of player personnel and coaching staff to fit the dream.

To achieve such dream as it is often said that the whole must be greater than the sum of the individual parts. When you dissect this success story, you can learn several valuable life lessons. These lessons have been brought to the fore in numerous interviews conducted with various members of team Golden State, i.e. the Players, Head Coach Steve Kerr, the General Manager Bob Myers and Owner Joe Lacob.

Watch the following interviews and you will see what I mean:-

Andre Iguodala On Winning Championship Postgame Interview | June 12, 2017

GM Bob Myers gives his thoughts on Every Single Player & Coach on the Warriors

David West Postgame Interview after Cavaliers vs Warriors Game 5

Steve Kerr Parade Interview June 15,2017 | Warriors Parade |

Talent will only get you so far(There is no “I” in TEAM)

Players’ Perspective

There is a collective drive by players to hone their skills through continued hard work, refusing to rely solely on God given talent. The team has worked hard to embed a culture within the organization that sees all players participating in all training sessions regardless of whether the sessions are mandatory or optional. Players are constantly in the gym, ensuring that their bodies are in optimal condition to manage the rigors of the regular season and the playoffs.

The players also spoke of the sacrifices made for the greater good of the team, the contribution of the veterans who acted as mentors for the younger players (both on and off the basketball court). It is apparent that each player within the team understands the importance of their role in the process and also appreciates the role and efforts of others.

The players also spoke highly of their employers, and highlighted team management’s role in setting the tone at the top, selecting the right personnel to blend with the required and established ethos and modus operandi of the Warriors.

The players commended the coaching staff for having excellent communication skills. Their impeccable ability to read and interpret situations, the ability to make changes as necessary was not lost on the. They instinctively try to meet each player at the point of need; knowing each individual’s trigger point and intended reaction. Aim being to get the desired reaction.

Build Synergies(Give praise where praise is due)

Head Coach’s Perspective

Coach Kerr spoke highly of each member of the team. The sacrifices made by key individuals in contributing to the collective success of the Warriors. For me the most endearing quality of the head coach was the fact that he always gave due recognition to the efforts of his team. At no point has he taken credit for team’s success. As a colleague put it

He was always self-deprecating, heaping praise on the team and the collection of talent at his disposal

He also highlighted the unselfish nature of his players as they worked hard to achieve the collective goal of retaining the Larry O’Brien trophy.

A believer in the strength in numbers concept, Coach Kerr spoke of his confidence in the abilities and talents of ALL his players. He related that the saying was not just a cliché but a practice. Instilling players with a sense of belief and belonging (the feeling of importance) is a critical part of their development. In times of need, and when it really counts, these players are able to effectively seize the moment. This was the case for Rookie Patrick McCaw who was given significant minutes in the decisive game five (5) victory. McCaw duly obliged with an invaluable contribution in the 129 – 120 victory.

Don’t be afraid to shine your light

General Manager’s Perspective

The team’s owner refers to the GM as a people person who loves basketball. I have watched two (2) interviews done by Bob Myers, post championship and whole-heartedly agree. These videos were what you would call must watch TV; captivating to the last second. So much so that I decided to share these videos with a few of my colleagues. The reactions say it all:

the guys knows each team and coaching staff member by name, talent, character/personality, contribution to team performance, everything!

Definitely an A grade leader for building and maintaining a winning team.

An unusual team manager and team, especially in today’s world of prima donnas. Obviously, they understand and work well together at winning as a team with everyone playing their part and respecting the others’ parts and supporting their hearts out!!!

If we adopted this caring approach, how good would our teams and lives be?

Conclusion

Success does not come by chance. It takes a vision, proper planning, careful attention to details and the selection of the required ingredients:

Strategic management and leadership pulls it all together
Collective ‘buy in’ of all involved is critical
Individual sacrifice for the greater good
Sense of belonging
Common goals
Measurable targets
Continuous efforts aimed at excellence and improvement.

Seasons of Change

It’s graduation season… Such an exciting time! Not just for the graduates, but also their family and friends. The accomplishments, the possibilities for the future, the relief!!… So much is wrapped up during this time. There is something significant about the onset of summer as well. It’s the end of beautiful springtime. It’s the beginning of summer. So much happens around this time; beginnings, endings, celebrations… It’s a season of transition!

Now your transition may not be a significant milestone like a graduation but it can be a time of reflection and a turning point towards who you are becoming. Frankly, this can happen at any time if you decide.

Season of Change, Growth, Opportunity

Change is scary for most people, and if we had our way we would remain in that comfort zone permanently. The familiar. On the other hand some people love it, because they know that it is during seasons of change that we grow.

As you grow through these uncomfortable seasons, remember that all of us are equipped with our own special gifts or talents. It behooves us to explore and zero in on what those may be. Sometimes through trial and error, sometimes through failure; but the goal is to keep pushing towards the beauty that is within us.

Who remembers the story of the 3 servants who were left in charge of their masters “talents”? The master went away and left in their care 5, 2 and 1 talents respectively. The ones who were given 5 and 2 went away, built on them and doubled the value. The guy who got one, took it, hid it underground.

When the master came back to get an account for the monies given to them he was pleased with the return he got from the servants who took risks and ended up doubling the value. To these men, he gave greater responsibilities; he promoted them. To the one who took the money and hid it underground, he was chastised for being lazy. His response was, “I know you are a hard man so I wanted to preserve what you left me.” In other words he didn’t want to risk losing it. He ended up losing the one talent he got to the guy who already had 10.

What’s the lesson?

No matter who we are, we are all good at something. It may not be what someone else is good at, but there is something in all of us. We should be building on the what we have been given in order to expand our talents; increase our value.

Season of New Beginnings

Even as the season is changing, we are all evolving and changing, daily. Spring or summer doesn’t happen overnight. It slowly evolves over time through a series of small changes. I say that to say that new beginnings do not necessarily mean that it has to take a big bang approach. New beginnings can happen gradually as well. What is your new beginning? How are you evolving?

Beginnings are opportunities to adjust and become. For some of us it’s picking up the pieces and moving forward, for others it’s starting something new, as terrifying as that may be.

3 Reasons Why Change is Good and You Should Embrace It

It makes you smarter – Someone once said a mind stretched by a new experience will never go back to its original state. How true is that! Once you learn something new or experience something different, you can’t unlearn it or “unexperience” it.
It keeps you motivated – Who doesn’t like the sense of accomplishment when you overcome a challenge or even succeed at it? When you do this, you are reminded that the possibilities are endless and it inspires you to move on to the next one. Change usually brings progress.
It makes life exciting – Can you imagine doing the same thing over and over, year after year? How dull would life be?

Factors for a Successful Change

Here are some factors to consider when making a change. You will have more success if you take them into account.

When the change is self-motivated
When the change is rooted in positive thinking as opposed to guilt, fear, or regret
When the goals are specific (i.e., I will walk one mile at least four days each week as opposed to I will exercise)
When you limit your goals to a manageable number
When you develop a practical, realistic plan for accomplishing your goals (If you work 100 hours a week, it’s unlikely that you will have the time to walk one mile at least four days a week.).
When you incorporate avoidance of triggers in your action plan
When you spend time with others who are positive role models for the change you’re trying to make (i.e., those who don’t have the habit or those who have successfully changed).
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201210/change-is-hard-heres-why-you-should-keep-trying

Change is hard, but it’s been done before. So go out there, go get it done! We’re in your corner.

Change is difficult, not changing is fatal – William Pollard

Please leave your comments below about any change you’re going through right now(if you care to share) and how you are transitioning through it. Looking forward to hearing from you!

10 Wonderful Lessons from Mother

Mother’s Day is a special day for most people. I work in the payments industry and it’s the biggest spending day! Even bigger than Black Friday! Imagine that!. Suffice it to say, it’s an extra special day for some very special people; mothers.

I did some research among my friends to gather info on what stands out in their minds as the greatest lesson they have learnt from their mothers. Responses were along the lines of advice on relationships, money, and life in general. I pulled all of that together as there are common threads in some. By the way, my sample was from both male and female. Some mothers are still here and making an impact, others have gone on to a better place and have left behind a lasting legacy. Below I share 10 wonderful lessons from mothers(in no particular order).

Selflessness

Some of us can attest to mothers who would give their last ounce of effort just to ensure that their children’s basic needs were met. They would deprive themselves, not just physically, but also of their hopes and aspirations, just so that we could have what we need to succeed. In some cases it was those extra funds to pay for the extra classes to prepare for exams, it could be that school trip, you name it.

My friend recalls how her mother(who was a teacher) used to give guided tours to visitors to the island to make extra money to pay school fees and buy school supplies. Now in today’s world that would be considered dangerous but back then she did what she had to do. No honest work was too trivial. If that’s not selfless I don’t know what is.

Generosity and Humility

Several friends recall that their mothers exemplified what it means to be kind to others, good living. Some Jamaican mothers have this “thing” where they will never allow another person to be hungry if they can help it. Even if they don’t have enough for their own children they would “stretch it” so that the neighborhood kids who don’t have enough to eat could partake.

One in particular mentioned that she didn’t know how far her mother’s kindness extended until after she passed away. She obviously left an indelible mark on others who will hopefully continue to pay it forward.

This goes hand in hand with lessons on humility. One friend recalls her mother passing on wisdom that no matter where you are in life, remain humble. You never know when you will have to look up at the person you once looked down on.

Living Unapologetically

One friend got advice from her mother to be comfortable doing things her way, unapologetically. She was encouraged to embrace changing thoughts and ideas throughout the seasons of life. These changes can be far removed from what you are accustomed to, but as long as it doesn’t compromise integrity and the essence of who you are, then be open to it.

Self Care

This is something that most of us mothers neglect. I am happy there are mothers out there passing this wisdom on because it is WISE!. You really do have to take care of yourself first and that naturally extends to the people around you. If you are stressed out and frazzled, you emit those vibes and your efforts are thwarted despite your best intentions. Advice is to practice self care. You cannot pour from an empty cup! Or worse yet, you might be pouring negativity making a bad situation worse.

Importance of Prayer

For those of you who are people of faith, this is very important. My friend said her mother taught her to pray about EVERYTHING. This is a tough one for most people because we start looking for solutions and stressing before we seek the help we truly need. We really need to change the order and pray first, then work. Concept here is that we will be guided in the way we should go. Even if we fail in the moment, there is a lesson in it and that’s where faith comes in.

Finding True Love

Another friend recounts how her grandmother, who was her main caregiver drilled into her the need to find true love. This extended to the relationships she sought and tried to maintain through out her life. She never allowed herself to settle if that main ingredient was not present.

Keeping Private Things Private(Don’t Overshare)

This one I found very interesting. One person shared that his mother taught him not to overshare. I didn’t get it at first but here is the essence of it. You know as children when you visit your friends house, or even at school; sometimes other adults will give kids the third degree to find out about details about their parents and home situation. I know it’s kinda unfair but it happens. So his mother told him not to allow himself to be questioned in that way.

Patience and Perseverance

Another friend recalls that his mother not only taught him the importance of patience and perseverance in life but exemplified it. She taught him the importance of waiting and putting the effort into anything worth having. His wife remembers her mother saying “Bird fly too fast, fly past dem nest” [Translation: Be patient, some things just take time].

I remember my own mother, who delayed furthering her education until both my brother and myself were further along with ours. She and I ended up at the same university and the same time. We got our bachelors’ degrees within a year of each other.

One person said whenever she wanted to sleep and not study her mother would sing in her ear “The heights by great mean reached and kept were no attained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept were toiling upwards in the night”. So apt!!

Being content with what you have

My cousins recall how much my aunt would tell them not to be “red eye”. For those of you who are not familiar with the term it simply means not to begrudge others for what they have. My own mother would say to us that if you are “red eye”, you would be willing to do anything to get it(and not in a good way). My grandmother would also tell us not to envy other people because you don’t now what they had to do to get it. For example, you see that nice couple who seems to be living the life, multiple cars and that expensive house with the pool. It might have been gotten by illegal means, things you yourself would not be willing to do.

Bottom line is, “if you want good yuh nose haffi run”. [Translation: you can accomplish what you want if you are willing to put in the work.]

Dream Big

My friend recalls that things were pretty rough financially for her single mom raising 6 children. Her mother consistently reminded them that this was not their final destination. This led them to strive to succeed. Now she and her siblings have succeeded in their various fields, testament to values passed from their mother.

She also added that laughter was what helped them through some of the tough times.

There is so much more to share. I might need to do a part 2. As I collected all these messages and tidbits from my friends, the most common theme I noticed was that many of them said that their mother never really sat them down and told them these things but rather led by example. If there ever was a take-away from this, it would be that we are the screen of our children’s lives. They watch us. We cannot say one thing and do the other, it cannot be “do as I say but not as I do”. Your lives are a living example and will make the biggest impact on your children.

I am happy that so many of my friends and family have positive role models after which to fashion their own lives and will extend to their own parenting. I know I can attest to the influence of my own parents and extended family in shaping who I am. And I am grateful for that. I have seen the product of what it’s like to be devoid of positive influence in one’s life. Those of us who can, let’s pay it forward. Share the positivity, even if it’s just to our own children. Never forget the lessons!

Please comment and share your experiences below. We’d love to hear from you!

The Truth About Parents

Being a parent is one of the most unique undertakings I have engaged in in my entire life. I’m sure all the parents out there can relate. It’s tough yet rewarding at the same time. The same people who make you want to scream and tear your hair out, melt your heart in an instant.

I have always heard it said if you thought you knew love before, wait until you have a child. I can certainly attest to that 100 percent. So much so that I cannot fathom how anyone could intentionally cause harm to their own kids. That’s beyond my ability to comprehend.

This brings me to the notion of our own parents. And this question is for those of us who have been fortunate to attain adulthood and still have our parents around… isn’t it interesting how the dynamic of your relationship with your parents evolves and changes over time? How you manage the balance between showing them respect, even fear(healthy) as your parents, seeking their advice on things, but yet becoming their guides in a changing world and for some even their caregivers. It’s as if you were becoming the parent to them, almost.(I also want to give a shout out to those who were raised by people other than biological parents. This post refers to those care givers as well).

A childhood friend of mine reached out to me this week about a surprise birthday event she was planning for her father who was about to celebrate his 75th birthday. First of all, it struck me. 75!!! What was she saying? Didn’t make sense. Then I thought about my own mother and realized, hmmmm she’s pretty close to that too. I started thinking about the varying relationships I have noticed between my adult friends and their own parents. Some were good, others not so good. And while I am not judging anyone’s relationship with their parents, because I really don’t know, I thought back to my own parents and some lessons I have learnt as an adult that can help me to understand them more and have a better relationship. Maybe they can help you too.

Here are 3 thoughts to bear in mind when it comes to our parents.

Cherish Them

I think this is where we should all start. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. I knew what I had, but I still lost it. My dad of blessed memory. You can read my story about my father’s passing in a previous post. I don’t think I could even have gotten to the place I am now if I had somehow had a bad relationship with him and then to have lost him the way I did. I know he knew he was loved by us and we knew the same. Even though I had not seen him for a year when he passed away, he understood why and we had been keeping close contact.

So those of you who may have strained relationships with your parents, please, try to make it right. Remember you’re now an adult as well so you can communicate and work through things as adults, together. If you should lose them while you’re in that state, trust me, you will take a much longer time to go through the pain of the loss. I know this is not a one size fits all, but I know this is speaking to somebody out there. Cherish your parents!

READ: Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

Train Them

Now this might sound strange, but you really need to do this. Remember, some of them are not used to having adult children who are now responsible for making their own life choices, whether they like them or not. You need to help them make that transition. It’s not easy for them. They brought you into this world and have been responsible for you for a very long time. They are used to telling you what to do.

This doesn’t have to be combative; not like a rebellious teen. I know, they tell you how to raise your kids, how to cook your meals, how to run your household, your life even… But slowly helping them adjust to the changing nature of the relationship between you and them will go a far way.

Forgive Them

This is last on the list but certainly not least. We need to forgive our parents. For those of us that are parents ourselves, we know that being a parent is not an easy task. No-one teaches you how to do it. You don’t get a manual for it. You either make the decision to have a child or you’re forced to and from then on it’s sink or swim.

We learn most of our parenting from our parents. We either mimic them or we decide we will do it differently. Either way, we make that judgement call, daily, how we will parent our kids.

If we think about how challenging it is for ourselves, why do we think that it was any easier for our parents??? They were not perfect, sometimes far from it. But many of them made the best decisions with the resources they had at the time. Looking back, even they may have done it differently. But that’s the thing about life… you don’t get a do-over. Just got to move forward and make adjustments as you go. Resentment for past actions is not the way to go. Forgive them!

Finally, I truly believe that it’s our responsibility to build on what our parents have given us. We should endeavor to make it better for the next generation, and so on. So we should move on from the mistakes of past generations and we should also expect the generation we leave behind to do the same. If we keep that perspective, the world will continually be a better place. I know this sounds like a “world peace” speech but it’s a simple concept. And it begins(or continues) with us.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me. I really feel this will speak to someone(even just one) and that will be enough for me.

Please share your thoughts by commenting below. Join and share with us on social media. Remember to subscribe to our community so that you are kept up to date on all the happenings. See you soon!

Conversations With My Son: The RACE Talk for Kindergartners

Do you remember the show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? Well I want to turn that around and say “Kids Ask the Darndest Questions”. How do you respond when those questions lead to the subject of race? Here’s a recent conversation between my 5 year old son and his dad.

“Daddy, am I African?”

“Not really, but you are African-American. Your ancestors were brought to America from Africa”

“And I am half-Jamaican too. So is Mommy more African than me and you?”

“No son, all of us are just as African”

“But Mommy is dark”

“Son, it doesn’t matter how dark or light you are, all African-Americans are descended from Africans”

Now, to put this conversation in context, my son is 5 years old, soon to be 6. Very smart, enquiring mind. He reads well so if you want to keep something from him, don’t write it; it will get read. Children this age are very literal, you have to be so careful how you communicate with them because your words can mislead them, even though you have the best intentions.

The subject of race and color is probably going to be one of the hardest things we are going to have speak to him about. Question is how much and when. Too much too soon can be just as harmful as too little too late.

My Background

Let me backtrack a bit. I was born and raised in Jamaica; spent the majority of my adult life there before moving to the US. For those of you who haven’t met a Jamaican, we are a particularly unique people in many ways. You see, we have common threads with the US due to our history with slavery. Jamaica was also colonized by the British who brought slaves from West Africa to work on sugar plantations when sugar was king. Crops might have been different but the principle was definitely the same.

However, our journey through that era and process afterwards was little different. This will not be history lesson but the long and short of it was that slavery was abolished in Jamaica over 30 years before it was abolished in America. That is almost a lifetime. So needless to say the Jamaican journey of recovery from an oppressive regime started long before it did in the US. Of course, other systems followed that were as close to slavery as it could get, but the journey had started.

As you can imagine, by the time I made my entry into the world, most of that was distant history that we were taught in school. We did not have ancestors alive to relate these stories. Our motto “Out of Many, One People” was ingrained in us at an early age. Of course, everybody’s reality will be different and there are still remnants of the legacy of slavery and indentured servitude that still haunt us even today.

But my key point is that race was never something that was top of mind to be taught/made aware of to most of us as children. My parents never discussed this with me; and I doubt that was the case with most parents. I am by no means saying racism(or colorism) did not exist, but it was definitely not rampant. Not in a country where 95% of the population is Black. And it definitely doesn’t hold the importance that it does here in America.

The RACE talk

One night, he became very pensive during his bedtime routine. Then he called me over and said “Mommy, I want to talk to you about something”. Of course you know I tensed up. What could a 5 year old have to discuss with me that would require him to start a conversation like that!

During Martin Luther King Jr celebrations at school, he learnt about Rosa Parks who refused to sit in the back of the bus. He was distraught, worried for me. He wanted to know why dark people had to ride in the back of the bus. After all, he can see that I am dark and he’s not. They had used the word “dark” to refer to Black people. So that was his literal translation of what happened.

He asked me why. I stumbled. Honestly, I really didn’t know what to say. In between gathering my thoughts and shaking in my boots, I told him that everybody in America didn’t have the same rights and that African American people were treated unfairly. Luckily, he is aware enough; so I reinforced the fact that he was African American and showed him how proud he should be. He knew about and admired people like MLK Jr, Barack Obama, so on and so forth. I was so relieved and happy when he became so excited about that fact that he went to Sunday School and bragged to his teacher that he is African American, as if they didn’t know. I didn’t have to tell him the gory details, not yet.

There will come a time, and sooner than we think, when we will have to tell him the naked truth. How to behave under certain circumstances when he’s out there in the world by himself. But at this age when he’s building self esteem and confidence, how do you tell him the harsh reality of the skin he was born in? These are not rhetorical questions, I really want to know. I am out of my depth here.

My husband is American, born and raised here; lived here all his life. He might be able to do a better job than I can, but fact is, it has to be done. And with specifics too. That element has raised itself to the surface in this country and he is bound to encounter it. Whoever said parenting was easy.

My message

What I really want to say is:

“Son, you are special. God made all of us special. No one has the right to make you feel any less than you are. And you shouldn’t make anyone else feel that way either. People will be mean to you, for no other reason than you might look different. Notice them, beware of them but love them anyway. You don’t need to be friends with them if they don’t or can’t be friends with you, love them anyway.

BUT protect yourself. Protect your body, but most of all protect your heart. Your first instinct should be self preservation. You might not be able to make things right the way you think it should be, so don’t try to fight that battle alone. It might not be the time or the place.

Feel free to share your experiences with us. We can give you perspective based on our experiences and what we have learnt. Things that you might not know or may never need to know. But just know we are here to equip you as much as we can.

This world can be a horrible place, but find the love in it. Love always leads us to do the right thing. So follow love, not hate.”

It’s a sad reality, but I know this is not enough. He will need specific tools, skills and strategies just to survive in this country.

Please share with me some of your experiences and strategies used in the comments. I really want to learn. Raising a Black son in America ain’t easy. After all Jackass was right, di worl’ still nuh level(Translate: Life just ain’t fair).

Thanks again for taking the time to share with me. Please also follow me on social media so you never miss a post.

Overcoming Financial Setbacks the Debt Free Way

In Jamaica we have a saying “When trouble teck you pickney shut(shirt) fit yuh“.

Translation: When trouble comes to you, a child’s shirt will fit you

Meaning: When in difficult situations, you have to make adjustments to survive

I do believe we can all relate to a time in our lives when despite our best laid plans, we have suffered from some kind of setback, financial or otherwise. You know the kind that throws you into a tailspin and you’re left with your hands on your head wondering what your next move will be… the kind that makes you start to think of the worst possible scenario and thinking of contingency plans just-in-case. I am sure most, if not all of us can relate. Today I want to focus on those of the financial kind, you know them.

Well, I have had my fair share of those, and I thought I’d share with you how I was able to move forward from them and some lessons I have learned along the way. Now, I know some of you might have had worse things happen and others; not so bad. But what I will attempt to do is to pull some references from across the board that we all can relate to and hopefully the lessons will apply to your situation regardless of the intensity. Please keep in mind that this is not financial advice; I am just sharing my experience with you.

None of us is immune to adversity, especially financial ones. And it seems to me that living in the US presents some magnified challenges. Not just because I am away from home, but suffice it to say, it’s much easier to fall into a situation that can have immediate impact which can make recovery difficult. Can I get an amen?

First situation that comes to mind was during my pregnancy and right after my son was born. Now you don’t know what you don’t know until you need to know, right? My first encounter dealing with health insurance in the US was an eye opener for me. Now all I knew was that I had health insurance, after all I could see the contributions being extracted from my paycheck every 2 weeks. I’ve had health insurance before, how different could it be?? Think again!

I had started my regular appointments to the ob-gyn and presented my health card. On each visit I would just walk out of the Dr’s office, no payment requested. So I thought to myself, “Hmmm, at what point are the going to ask me to pay and how much”. I asked, but I wasn’t given an answer(the admin people have no idea). You see, for the most part, all of that is on the backend. After all, where I’m from, we talk about the money up front. So you know what you are dealing with.

Anyway, the time came to talk about payments, then I realized that there is a lump sum charge for all prenatal visits and then another for delivery. So we discussed that and agreed on a payment plan. As onerous as it was, we had no choice. After all I couldn’t have decided to deliver this baby myself!!

We started paying the agreed amount monthly which would take us up until time for delivery. When we go to January of the following year, we realized that our payment increased. They advised me to call the insurance company who then proceeded to tell me that my deductible was reset at the beginning of every calendar year. What!!! I didn’t even know that. It was as if they were speaking a different language; copays, deductibles, out-of-pocket, in-network, out of-network HMO, PPO. Lots of complexity that was nothing like my SHAPE plan from LOJ back home or my mother’s Blue Cross plan that I had until I was of age. This is stuff no one bothers to talk about or explain, especially for a newbie immigrant like me. The assumption was that you already know.

The long and short of it was that I had to come more out of pocket. AND I hadn’t started talking with the hospital yet!! That was another large lump sum payment that would become due in June.

Apart from medical payments, we had to think of preparing for the arrival on our son. He needed clothes, blankets, diapers etc. That stuff costs! We were just bleeding funds, out of our ears. At the same time we were thinking of moving from the apartment we were renting at the time. What a mess!!! There was the cost of moving, the costs associated with purchasing our new home(our mortgage turned out to be less than our rent) among other things. At the time my salary was good, but not great and my husband was working a commission-based sales position and the pay was not consistent.

We not only had to look for ways to cut back on everything, we had to set our frame of mind to tackle the challenges because in this case, we did not have much of a choice. With a baby on the way, in our minds this was just something we had to do. I’m thinking back and wondering how under the heavens we got it done, BUT WE DID IT, without debt.

We have had other challenges since then and have had to get creative in pushing through them. For instance, we have in the past decided to go down to one income temporarily(it was only for 3 months), so I could stay home and care for my baby. At any rate, who knew you had to get on a waiting list before your child was born to secure a spot in a decent child care facility. I had not, so I did not have many options. Being far away from home as well with no family support made it even more difficult. I was so grateful that my mother agreed to come and care for him for a while so I could go back out to work and until we could get him into a day care facility.

Below is a consolidation of a few debt-free strategies we have employed to manage and overcome financial setbacks and challenges we faced.

We looked at where we were spending our money

Budgets used to be a bad word for me. I am not very structured when it comes to finances. But we put it all down on paper and it became real. No guessing or estimating, it was there for us to see. The biggest shocker was how much we spent on food! That was our biggest monthly expense, after the mortgage.

We trimmed the fat

After taking a critical look at all our recurring bills, we looked at how much we were paying and either eliminated the bill completely, or found a away to reduce it. Bills like expensive cable was dropped. Then we renegotiated our telephone bill and car insurance.

We cut our spending – strict “no-spend” periods

We would go for a period of time when we would not eat out, purchase clothing or anything like that. Instead of buying lunch at work, we packed our lunches in order to save money. You would be surprised at the difference this makes to your budget.

We found ways to cut our grocery spending

The first thing I did was to shop my own pantry and refrigerator. I don’t know if you’re like me, but my pantry was filled with things I didn’t even know I had. In my case because my pantry was so disorderly. I took the time and reorganized my pantry, threw out expired items and found a place for everything else. My items were easy to find therefore I knew exactly what I had so I could plan meals around what I had already.

I also started clipping coupons. Don’t knock it, it’s a huge money saver especially on non-perishables. Sometimes I end up with items for free!! I also changed the way I shopped for certain items. (I could write a whole blog post on this). Even my husband is adopting my critical(read cheap) shopping habits.

These are simple everyday strategies I have used. There are some other larger strategies that I will explore with you another time that will have an even bigger long term impact. I didn’t want this post to get too long.

But please share with me some of your tips and tricks in the comments below. I am very eager to learn from you. You can also follow me on my social media channels so we can continue to learn from each other.

Coming to America – What I Wished I Knew about CREDIT

Who remembers that classic movie “Coming to America”? Hmm Hmm, I know you do. Especially those of us that are of a certain age. Eddie Murphy played the role of a very rich and pampered African prince who travels to New York City and goes undercover to find a wife. It was hilarious watching him stick out like a sore thumb in the American culture.

Many of my Caribbean friends can relate to this phenomena of migrating to the great US of A, albeit not as rich African princes. Our experiences are not as dramatic, but despite living in the same hemisphere there are differences between our cultures that cause angst and even issues for us as we immigrate to the USA. Issues which we hardly talk about.

Most people migrate with stars in their eyes about what life will be in the land of opportunity. Some have the benefit of the experience of family members, while others have no clue what lies ahead. As a friend of mine said “everybody who comes to America has a story to tell”. Of course, these stories are usually about some hardship they faced and hopefully overcame.

One of the first obstacles I was faced with was the issue of CREDIT. I will share with you my experience and what I have learned as an immigrant.

First of all, what on earth is credit?? Of course we know what credit is but WHAT is CREDIT? What do you mean I have no credit? How do I get it?

If you migrated to the US as an adult like I did, this is a rude awakening. First hurdle, it can be difficult to even open a bank account!! Implicit in almost every banking system I’ve come across is that you have come up through the American society and there are some things that are naturally in place. As an immigrant, of course, it’s NOT. So just getting past that can be a challenge.

My Story

I came to the US after being pretty established in Jamaica. I had gone through a few things financially like purchasing a car and a condo so that was definitely not new to me.

Moving to Atlanta, it is rather difficult to survive without a car. Public transportation is just not that well developed so you don’t have the freedom to live wherever you want if you need to rely on it.

I got off to what I thought was a pretty good start. I had bought a used car from someone I knew. After a few months the car was on it’s last leg(One of the pitfalls when you no longer have the benefit of having a good relationship with your local mechanic, miss that about back home). It had major issues which I wasn’t prepared to spend money on. So I started looking around for a better car.

I stopped by the dealership on my way home from work one night. They had a used 2008 Honda Accord, with low mileage that was calling my name. But of course I could not pay cash. You guessed it, I needed a loan. I was pretty much satisfied with the car and began to feel relief that I will no longer have to deal with the car that was leaking fluid and prone to leave me on some desolate freeway.

Wake Up Call(What I learned)

Your credit history outside of the country does not apply

The finance guy came over. We exchanged pleasantries and then the real business began. He asked me for my SSN, pulled up my information. Then the dreaded words came “You have no credit history”. What do you mean? I have purchased a couple cars and a house through loans before. I have paid them back all on time. WHAT do you mean? But alas, your history outside of the country counts for nothing. That was lesson #1.

That led me to my next question: How do you build credit when no one will extend it to you? To that question, although he writes loans all day long, he had absolutely no answer. The system just wasn’t set up to accommodate immigrants like me.

You need credit to build a credit history

I left the dealership very dejected and defeated. However, what I failed to mention before was that the salesman was actually a Jamaican. He took me on as his case study in how to get a new immigrant approved for a loan. Unbeknownst to me, he searched and searched. Good news: he found an institution that was willing to give me a loan. Bad news: it was at a whopping 12%. He called me in, gave me the low down, talked me through what I was up against. I weighed the pros and cons and decided to bite the bullet and go for it, even if just to build my credit. He advised that I should pay it down early and look to refinance as soon as my credit score began to rise. That was good advice! Lesson #2: You need credit to get credit!

Don’t apply for credit just because it’s offered

As my credit score began to teeter around being just OK, I began getting offers from all and sundry. All the retail stores were offering credit cards; banks, loan companies etc. I resisted the urge to apply for more credit because I felt one was enough for me to worry about for now. I am happy I did. Because I found out that every time there is a certain type of query against you credit history, your credit score drops by a few points, even if you don’t take it. So lesson #3, be very strategic about applying for credit.

At the end of the day, even though I took that car loan out of dire necessity at the time, I used it to springboard my way to purchasing my first home after my son was born. It worked out in the end.

Here is some practical advice from my friend Kim Galeta from KimGaleta.com. She is a personal finance blogger who also migrated to the US from Jamaica.

1. Start with a cash secured credit card to build your credit faster

A cash secured credit card is just like a regular credit card, expect it is secured by cash. You must deposit cash to your card before you can make any purchases. These are much easier to be approved and are a great option for people who don’t yet have a credit history.

2. Join a credit union

Credit unions often offer much more favorable rates for individuals who are looking to build credit. Check with your employer to see if they are associated with one that you may be able to join.

3. Refinance

If you have already taken out credit for a car or other purchase, consider refinancing after about a year to showcase your credit history.

Debt

4. Check your credit score often

Use free platforms like CreditKarma to check your credit score often. They offer great advice on how to improve your score.

5. Take it one step at a time

It can be overwhelming to navigate all you need to know about the credit system in the US. Sign up for free resources where possible and ask for qualified advice before jumping into any credit arrangement.

Long story short, a lot of the American consumerism is based on credit and debt. Use it wisely. Save your credit for bigger ticket items like purchasing a home. You need debt but if used unwisely it can be a trap. One that is very difficult to get out of.

Thanks again for stopping by. I know this is not the “juicy” stuff but I am sure there is someone out there who can learn from my experience. Feel free to share your stories, I can’t wait to hear. I’m sure we can all learn something too.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Friendship

A man that has friends must first show himself to be friendly – Bible

That’s not me folks! That’s coming “straight outta di Bible”.

On a serious note, have you ever met someone and it felt like you have known them all your life? By the same token, have you ever known someone all your life and are left wondering if you every really knew them?

Friendship is one of the most common, yet misunderstood relationships out there. It can be complex, yet simple. You have husbands and wives who are also friends; cousins who are friends, even strangers who become friends but are more like family. You get the picture. Somehow though, so many people have difficulties with friendship. Wonder why??

We start forming friendships at an early age, in the most innocent and organic ways. It has been interesting to watch my son grow up and transition through his many “friends”. His best friend changes daily, but that’s ok when you’re 5 years old. I just don’t think it’s fine when you’ve crossed over into adulthood and have no real friends that you can count on or when you change friends every couple months. Of course, as we grow we evolve and our needs change but there are some common threads we should look for in sustaining friendships that will carry us throughout life. I do believe everyone needs that.

Here are some thoughts on how you can build and improve your friendships and avoid some of the friendship pitfalls

1. If you are looking for a friend, then be a friend

Now, I know I am going to catch some flack for this but I do watch some of these reality TV shows. The Real Housewives shows on Bravo TV have been known to be dvr’d by me from time to time. When I get a chance, I do try to catch up on the Atlanta one (What!!! Sue me, it’s my secret indulgence). I watch these shows, if for nothing else to see how awesomely great my life is!! I don’t have these issues with other people over absolutely nothing, and have it played out for the whole world to see!!! I know it’s entertainment but man… it can get rough.

When I hear some of these women talking about who is whose friend and what a real friend should be doing, I really want to say “Ladies, you are not friends!!! You’re just on the same reality tv show!!!”. They can be so nasty to each other, then they throw the word friend into the mix and somehow, it should all just resolve itself. “Friend” is thrown around very loosely and there is no real value attached.

I believe that if you are looking for a friend, YOU must FIRST be friendly. It’s not for the other person to win your friendship, for you to sit back and watch what they are doing and judge. YOU have to be a friend and you’d be surprised how that reciprocates. Friendship is a two-way street.

2. Take it slow

Pink Swear — Avoiding the pitfalls of friendship

By the same token, at the beginning of any friendship, TAKE IT SLOW. Don’t go divulging your deep dark secrets to someone you have just met not knowing what their intentions are for you. Kinda similar to a romantic relationship.

Do the “dating” thing. Get to know each other. Find out if your core values are the same. Can you have a conversation for more than 5 mins? Do they only talk about themselves? What do they say about you when you’re not around? Are they supportive of your dreams and aspirations? That kind of thing. If these things are not in place, you best believe you will end up with a friendship crisis on your hands. Noone wants that.

3. Watch out for red flags

Red flags in a friendship can come in many forms. Trick is to be able to spot them and identify them for what they are. One friendship red flag is your friend not being able to accept, let alone pay you a genuine compliment when it’s deserving. If someone is commending or complementing you and your friend finds a way to add a negative jab at you, you might want to take note.

There are some people for whom friendship is a means to an end. They are in it for what they can get out of it and nothing else. When you’re up, they are with you. When you’re down they are nowhere to be found. I know it can be hard to tell, but to save yourself from the issues down the road, you need to be able see it coming. And you might not do anything about it, but identify it for what it is and don’t put too much value on that friendship.

4. Some people you just have to love from afar

Isn’t that the truth! I’ve had a really good friend for many years now that I love like a sister; in spite of her crazy antics at times. After high school, we lost touch because she left the country to attend college. From time to time we would connect and it was all about catching up and resetting but we would always be in and out of touch. And then she would just disappear.

As best as I could, I’ve been there for some pretty important events in her life. When her father died I was there to support her, when she was grappling with the thought of motherhood I was there, when her daughter was being christened I was there.

Right now, I have no clue where she is, or what she’s doing. I have tried to maintain contact but for whatever reason it did not work for her. But you better believe that if she needs me I will support her in whatever way I can. However, I will not force it.… I understand the nature of our friendship and it is what it is. No more, no less. I can still love her from a distance.

5. Know when it’s time to move on

This one is hard. I know. But sometimes we have to move on from some people. Sad to say. If a friendship is draining the life out of you and you can’t find a way to survive in it, then it might just be time to move on. And maybe it doesn’t mean not having any interaction with that individual, it could just be that the nature of your interactions needs to change.

If there is more taking than giving, it might be time to change… If you feel suffocated, it might be time to cut ties…

At the end of the day, life has many seasons. They require different kinds of friendships. It’s your lifelong friends that will be your anchor and your compass during changing seasons. I have been blessed to have these kinds of friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin. Doesn’t mean we agree on everything, but there are some basic cords that bind us that are hard to break. I sincerely wish and hope for you the same; that more people will be able to discover the value of true friendship.

Thanks again for stopping by. Feel free to share your experiences and connect with me through my social media channels.

Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

How do you survive the death a parent when you are far away from home? Read on!

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin

Some people evade taxes. Most of us pay our dues; and then some. Death, however is the ultimate equalizer. It’s a path everyone, bar none, must take. Yet it seems we never ever get used to it.

My father passed away suddenly on December 27, 2009. Seven long years ago, yet it still seems surreal to me that he is no longer with us. I still talk about him as if he is still alive. I am sure those of you who have experienced this can relate.

The call

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Having been in the US for about a year and just started working, it wasn’t the time to be taking vacations even though I missed my family. I decided that I wouldn’t be going back home to visit for at least another year. You know how vacation eligibility works in corporate America. And besides, I was working as a contractor back then so every hour counted to my pocket book.

I got a strange call from my mother early that Sunday morning. She didn’t give me details only to say that my father was really sick and things were not looking good. I was ready to board a plane because I had to see him! That was my dad you were talking about. She convinced me not to do it. So I waited, panicked as I could be. Only to get another call a few hours later that he didn’t make it.

I was devastated. I couldn’t contain myself. The shock, overwhelming grief, the pain, the hurt, the unanswered questions… wanting to see him, to speak to him, to hug him one last time. But I was thousands of miles away. Far away from my family and friends, my support system.

How did I handle it?

I grieved

I cried, I hollered, I screamed, I rolled, I heaved, I cried out to God, I asked why…you name it… I did it. That was grieving for me. Whatever I felt like doing, that’s just what I did. No trying to think rational, or being strong or having anyone talk me out of just wallowing in my state. I just let loose.

This happened on Sunday so I took the next day off work. I hadn’t slept and just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I grieved some more.

By this time the calls were coming in from far and wide. I was in a much better position to speak. But when I could not, I just didn’t. I was polite but some conversations I just didn’t engage in. It was just not the time.

I did not rush the process

Even though I was back at work by Tuesday(bank account calling), the heaviness in my heart began to feel physical. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of my chest. I put my best foot forward, trying to focus as best as I could on the tasks at hand. Not giving myself the room to think too much. When my mind wandered, I wrote. I wrote letters to my dad, I wrote letters to God. I just wrote. Being far away from home with no-one to spontaneously talk to when I needed to left me feeling lonely and helpless. That was tough.

I wasn’t there to support my mother and that weighed heavily on me. But kudos to my younger brother(my only sibling), he was a tower of strength for all of us during that time.

I held on to the memories

My daddy was my hero, my champion, my cheer leader, my encourager. He and my mother gave us the tools we needed to become well-adjusted adults. They taught us to love God and lived as shining examples for us.

I have so many fond memories of him just being a really good dad. I still draw on these experiences whenever I begin to feel sad(I am tearing up even as I am writing this post). Even though he was an ordinary man, my father, he walked with princes and paupers alike. He held the respect and admiration of all who he came in contact with.

Of the myriad of memories of my dad, one that I recalled with my husband recently was when I was about to start my final undergraduate year at the university in Jamaica. I had worked all summer and was looking forward to completing my university career while resident on campus. I fell really ill and passed out in the hallway of the dorm; just fell flat on my face.

While I was recovering, he took public transportation up to the campus and came and camped out in my room just to keep me company. He just sat there and watched me while I slept, and no doubt prayed. I don’t even think he ate!! He just needed to know I was OK and I felt so secure having him there with me. Even now I feel like he still watches over me.

I faced it and got closure

The time came for me to go home. I was forced to once again face the reality of him being gone. That was by far the toughest part of this whole journey. Somehow in the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, when I got there I would walk into the house and see him sitting in his favorite chair watching cricket(which was what he was doing when he passed away). My world was about to be rocked once again. I relived the whole experience of losing him all over again.

Looking back I realized that I had to go through it. I needed closure. So I grieved once again. I talked about him. I looked through his stuff. Even though I had spoken to him the day before he died, I had to “feel” his presence one more time.

Many people visited with us while I was there. The stories they told of how he touched their lives started to comfort me. On the day of his funeral, our local church, which is pretty large, was overflowing its pews and balconies. Literally hundreds of people had come to pay their final respects. There was standing room only. If I had any doubt, I confirmed that his was a life well lived and I knew he was resting well. He was at peace. He legacy was intact. That’s all you can ask for.

I know some of you might be going through a similar situation or will do so at some point in your life. I hope my experience and my coping strategies provide comfort and help you find ways to handle it.

Please comment below with any feedback. Let me know if you like these kinds of posts as well.