Getting My HEALTHY Back – Six Tips to Get and Stay on Track

Think with me for a moment… Just picture this… flat, washboard abs; long and lean toned legs, Michelle Obama-like arms; firm perky butt; an overall well-proportioned hourglass figure. This is the image that has been portrayed as the “perfect” healthy body that appeals to many of us as females. Some of us naturally have that(thank God for good genes), others simply don’t or would have to work extremely hard to get just a few of these features or none at all. My point is, this probably should not be your goal. We should be more focused on getting and staying healthy. This post is focussed how I am working on getting my “healthy” back. Please take the journey with me.

The more we age, the harder it is to stay healthy(especially if we are not trying to). When we get to a certain age, shapewear becomes our friend. You know what I’m talking about. That’s why Spanx has grown to what is today as a company. Lots of very loyal customers. No shame in that! It is what it is. Things we used to be able to do in our early twenties and get away with it no longer happen. Our bodies just do not co-operate. That’s just how it is. I am sure I am not telling you something you don’t know. But there is hope!

Here’s how it began for me. If anyone knows me they would say that overall I am a healthy person. I watch what I eat, I don’t overindulge. I have no problem with exercise and for all intents and purposes, one would say I was doing OK. But nuh-uh!! That is definitely not good enough, especially if you are basing your assessment of your health on conjecture, assumptions and how you feel. I am here to tell you there is a better way. Before I share with you my own journey and offer up some suggestions, I want to put it out there that I am not by any stretch and health professional. I am not providing medical advice on what you should do. These are merely suggestions based on what I have found out as far as my own health is concerned.

Know your numbers

First of all, I would suggest that you set a baseline. Know your numbers. There is a reason that medical professionals recommend having an annual physical. I know I was guilty of this. We only go to the doctor when we are sick. I know culturally for some people, not having to go the doctor is grounds for bragging rights. It suggests that you are well preserved, healthy but that is not always the case. Not that it’s foolproof, but an annual checkup where medical professionals review and monitor your “numbers” is a way to increase the chances of your remaining healthy. The simplest number I can think of is your weight. Many people don’t even know how much they weigh because they are afraid to find out.

This is an opportunity to make tweaks or adjustments to stay on track with your health. Or worse yet, you might be able to get ahead of some issue that may be developing without your knowledge. When you know where you are, you can make the changes you need to make with the help of your doctors. This is especially helpful if you are genetically pre-disposed to certain illnesses that can be controlled or prevented. For example, diabetes or hypertension. Diabetes runs rampant in my family, so I am particularly sensitive to that.

Ask Questions

I know it’s kinda intimidating when you visit the doctor. Noone wants to get bad news about their health. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Prepare for the visit and mention everything that concerns you about how you have been feeling. When you get your results, ask what the numbers mean and what you can do to improve on them. Or get a second opinion if you need to! Remember, you are responsible for your health, not your doctor.

Make the Decision to Get into Action/Set Goals

Now, this is often the hardest part of any journey back to health. Many times the actions required are not fun and or will make us uncomfortable in some way. We either have to give up certain things, start doing others. And sometimes its a matter of life or death. Seriously!! At the end of the day, it’s all about choice. If we want to live healthily we usually have tough choices to make. Face it, being unhealthy is the easiest thing in the world to do. No effort required.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I have it all together. I had to make some tough decisions after I came to grips with my own numbers. First of all, I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. That scared the daylights out of me because I honestly didn’t see it. I felt it but obviously, I was in denial. My once very healthy numbers were becoming borderline. They weren’t bad but they were shifting in the wrong direction. That was enough for me to know I needed to take action. And that I did. Here is a simple tool you can use to set and measure your goals.

Set yourself some targets that you want to achieve. Make them realistic based on where you are and work towards them. Don’t wait for 2018 to start. Now is as good a time as any. Let’s get ‘er done!

Do what works for you

I knew what I wanted to accomplish and I had to figure out what I needed to do to get there. Full disclosure; the numbers I was most concerned with were my weight, my A1C (3-month blood sugar count) and my cholesterol. Now, this seems like a lot, right. But what I learned is that they were all connected. So if I chose to start with my weight control first, then I would likely see improvements in the other 2 numbers.

Like most working mothers living in a big city, time is not something I have in abundance. To control my weight I would need to get back on track with exercising and controlling my diet. I have to admit I was feeling the effects of the extra weight I was carrying. I just felt heavy!

At that point, I decided I needed to give myself the gift of my health. I needed to focus on myself for a bit and not feel guilty about it. I realized I would be no use to my family if I was constantly not in good health. In spite of what I perceived as my lack of time to focus on exercising, I decided to take it one step at a time. With the help of my husband, he got me going to the park that is a mere 2 mile away, walking/jogging on the summer evenings while our son used the playground. We would do it together and that made a huge difference to my motivation. Now I am back in the gym and incorporating weight training. Something I hadn’t done in almost a year.

I don’t know what your circumstances are and where you live but get active. Do something! Start small and build on it. No more excuses, right? Let’s do this.

Have regular checkpoints

While you are on your way and implementing the suggestions, decide on certain milestones and checkpoints against your goals. Set yourself some rewards along the way. Maybe it’s a new outfit or dinner at a special restaurant. Whatever floats your boat. This way you stay motivated to continue. Checkpoints could be weight check-ins, followup visits with your doctor after 3 months. Whatever it is, just decide it up front and followthrough. That’s how you know if what you’re doing is working or if you need to make adjustments.

Maintain(Don’t fall off the wagon)

When you get to your goal. You must maintain. Don’t fall completely off the wagon. This is hard but easy. No need to succumb to old habits but when you get to where you need to be, you will be able to indulge once in a while as a treat. For example, those of us who like to imbibe but the blood sugar doesn’t agree with that, once you have your numbers under control, you have more latitude to indulge without going overboard of course. Maybe on special occasions rather than every day.

I hope this post has inspired you to get informed about the current state of your health and for those of you who already know, to get into action. Please share your stories with us to inspire more of our readers to get their health back!

Surviving Job Loss: What to do when your job leaves you

We no doubt live in a dynamic world where change is the only constant. Seasons change, fashion changes, laws and rules change; even we as individuals change. Somehow, there is one change that when it happens, it throws off our equilibrium. This is one that hits most of us where it hurts… directly to our bottom line. This post will explore what to do when your job leaves you.

Do you notice that the title says “when your job leaves you”? This doesn’t apply to a conscious decision to move on from one job to the next. It could, but that isn’t my focus.

There are several ways in which your job can leave you. You have been laid off for whatever reason; downsizing, acquisition or any other made-up reason that companies use these days when they want to preserve their bottom lines. Or even worse, you could be fired! I have never been fired but I imagine this would rank among the worst of the lot. Whatever the reason may be, at the end of the day, you lost a job you did not plan on losing at that time.

Now that we have established that stuff happens, and a job is never guaranteed(which should put a lot of things in perspective for all of us non-entrepreneurial types), let’s look at some practical ways that we can handle and adjust to this loss and springboard into a brighter future.

Get your mind right

It’s hard to lose your livelihood, no doubt about that! No matter how it happens it feels like someone hit you below the belt or knocked the wind out of you. Feelings of betrayal take over, almost as if some deep agreement was broken, unfairly. I know! I have been there and I can tell you it doesn’t feel good. You feel angry and terrified at the same time. You can be left feeling inadequate as well. However, like any other change that happens in life, you must grieve; especially when it involves loss.

The trick is not to remain there. You MUST get your mind right in order to move on. No use carrying hard feelings for companies that are doing what they are supposed to be doing; which is protecting their interests. By the same token, you must protect yours. Your sanity, above all, is not worth wallowing in that state. You must muster the strength and be emotionally intelligent enough to find the focus needed to take the next step. If you do not, you will find your self stuck and you will wonder a year, even two years after, what have I done with my time.

Decide what’s next

Depending on your situation, you must try to figure out your next move. You will have decisions to make. Questions like “Will I remain in the same field?”, “Will I start searching for another opportunity?”, “Should I go back to school?”, “Do I start my own business?”; just to name a few. This will be a time to reflect on what you have done so far and where you see yourself going. It’s actually the perfect opportunity to review and find your passion. At this point, what do you have to lose? Of course, the bills need to be paid, but you know, greatness is often born out of adversity. I have heard so many stories of other people’s experiences where the adverse and urgent situation birthed a new business, side hustle or even a new career direction.

While you’re mulling over your options and trying to figure out your long-range goals, you will also need to figure out how you will sustain yourself through it. That’s a whole other topic.

Make a plan

Now that you have given the situation some thought, it’s time to make a plan. You can do the standard planning method of short, medium and long-range plans. This helps to put things into perspective and it does help to write things down. Most of us are visual so articulating and documenting a plan helps us drive towards the goals that we set.

One guiding principle is to have SMART goals. There are tons of resources and templates out there that can help you in your goal setting and planning. SMART stands for

Specific

Measurable

Achievable

Relevant/Realistic

Time-Framed

Here is one that I found.

Execute(Work Your Plan)

Now that you have set your goals, it’s time to execute! It’s so much more purposeful and rewarding when you execute against a plan rather than just shooting in the breeze(it must be the project manager in me speaking but it really is). You have guiding posts against which to measure your progress and you feel accomplished as you progress through them. This helps keep frustration at bay and keeps you focused on your goal.

Let’s say you are job hunting. If you just wing it, you might get frustrated because you’re not hearing back from the companies you’re applying to. Without knowing how many and what kinds of jobs you’re reaching for it’s hard to justify the frustration. On the other hand, if you took a more measured approach and you knew the kinds of companies that are responding, the types that are not, then you can figure out where to focus your efforts. This will lead to better success and an overall better mental experience.

Read my previous post about change.

Conclusion

Things can get really hard during tough economic times especially when your income is lost unexpectedly. But you cannot stay there. It’s a time to make mental adjustments; tweaks for some but overhauls for others. It may result in a change in how you live so you can prepare to move forward. It’s also a time to lean on support from friends and family as you navigate through that difficult time. For those of you of faith, it’s a time to dig into your Source. Remember, there is no shame in it. Stuff happens! Your job does not define you, neither is it guaranteed.

I hope these few helpful tips can help you if you are experiencing a job loss or in the future if by some misfortune it happens. I hope it doesn’t. But if it does, you are not alone. I have been through it twice before. I am still standing.

Let me know your thoughts. Feel free to share any suggestions or tips you might have if your job has ever left you. Looking forward to hearing from and sharing with you.

Tribute to My Father

This is a guest post by my brother in tribute to our father for Father’s Day.

With Father’s Day less than twenty four hours (24) away, it is difficult to erase the memory of my own dad’s significant impact on my life. Here are the attributes that made Daddy, Uncle Val(as he was affectionately called by all) my hero.

F – Faithful

Daddy was extremely faithful to his family. There would be no special occasion that would go by without him making a special attempt to keep the family ties going. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Graduations: you name it, he was always there. Whenever separated by distance, he was always just a telephone call away.

A – Articulate

His formal education was limited as far as modern standards dictate. However, he was well schooled in the street side university and also from the teachings and learnings of his favorite books 📚- all sixty-six (66) of them(if you know what I mean). He also took interest in the famous philosopher Kahlil Gibran whose work has spanned many decades and is still appropriate today. He was always one to ask us to help him find an appropriate quote from some wise person for use in his speaking engagements. Daddy was a man of few words but he always seemed to get his point across in an effective manner.

T – Teacher

Although our mother was the one with the formal training in education, Daddy was a teacher in his own right. Giving us valuable lessons in life and indeed survival skills. He taught me how to tie a tie, how to shave… Things some of us take for granted until we have no one to show us. Engendering in us love for the Creator, love for self, love for family and love for our fellow man. His calm, unperturbed persona was always a joy to behold.

H – Humility, Humor, Happiness

His attributes beginning with H are so numerous and it would be a gross injustice to omit them

Humility was his hallmark. This also ties back to his love for his fellow human beings – Daddy was able to move with princes and paupers with adept ease.

Humor was his trademark. He had an impeccable sense of humor and had the uncanny ability to make the most difficult situation light.

Happiness – he was a firm believer in being happy in whatever circumstance

E – Entertaining

Daddy was a joy to be around. He was always the consummate entertainer. Entertainment took place in various forms – his many stories, jokes, facial expressions, gesticulations or his dancing at church during choir recitals or even the work experience. As a lay preacher, his messages were always well received. Through my critical eyes he would always solicit my feedback – using one of his favorite quotes :- ‘blessings come down as a sweet smelling savior[savor]’). Even while giving the word of Salvation, he would find a moment, in a humorous way, to identify the particular church member who was dosing or the individual who was unfortunately stepping in late.

R – Real

As a father he always kept it real, telling it to his children as he saw the situation. He would say ‘Listen [insert names here], it is what it is.’ This has helped us to stay grounded.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Make no mistake, our mother was the captain of the ship, but he was definitely a great co-captain in his own right. Indeed Daddy, you were a “Mountain of a Man”.

It has been seven long years since you have been gone, but your memory lives on. You have left an indelible impression on our lives that can never be erased. If there was one regret I have in you leaving us when you did, it’s that you never got a chance to met your only grandson. I want to let you know that he loves you, even though you never met. I am sure you do too. He keeps your photos in his room. At times he cries because he never got a chance to meet you. Breaks my heart…

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again

– Excerpt from Luther Vandross’ “Dance with my father again”

Watch the video here

How to Handle Mommy Fail Moments

I’m not sure, maybe because Mother’s Day is coming, but I feel like I’m in full on mommy mode as far as my blog is concerned. I read a post from a fellow Jamaican blogger yesterday and it also added a little fuel to that fire. Made me start thinking of my “mommy fail moments”. I hope I’m not the only one who has had them.

I don’t think I am alone in this, but everything I do, every decision I make, every moment of the day, I think about my son. How my choices will affect him, am I raising him the “right way”, and by right way I mean in a way that will be suitable and effective for him. And don’t confuse this with meaning that I want to do for him what he likes, because that’s not it. My primary goal above all is to equip him for life so he is able to function and make good choices no matter what life throws at him. Help him develop good coping skills.

Fail #1

My son’s preschool has an annual trike-a-thon. This was a day when you would bring in their tricycles to school so they could ride to collect funds on behalf of St Jude’s Children Hospital. The day came, I dropped him to school and totally forgot to take his trike. I spoke with his morning teacher and she said not to worry, he could use one from the center. I was working 30 miles away at that time so it wasn’t an option for me to go home and get it.

When I went to pick him up in the evening, his afternoon teacher started shaking her head as soon as she saw me. She asked why I did that to him. I was a little confused at first.. She pulled me aside and began to lightly scold me. She said “You know how aware he is of what’s going on. Why would you forget his trike?”. He had gotten into it with another child who had a trike similar to the one he had at home. And became well aware that he was probably the only child without his own and got pretty upset. He was about 2 1/2 at the time.

I felt so ashamed from the scolding I got, but most of all, for knowing I contributed to his disappointment. He was confused because he thought the trike was his, and then when he found out that it wasn’t, he felt left out. I felt like I failed him.

From that day on I purposed to not contribute to him feeling left out of those kind of group activities. He’s older now, so we can have a conversation about these things and make choices together.

Fail #2

Mommies and some fathers can usually relate to the natural instinct about what’s going on with their child. Sometimes we dismiss it, doubt ourselves and sometimes to their detriment. I remember about 2 1/2 years ago, I was alone with him at home. My husband had his staff party that night and I opted not to go. I gave him a bath and he was in my bedroom playing, but at the same time complaining that his throat hurt.

I took note, but since he was still playing I decided to watch him a little closer. There was nothing visible that I could see. He complained a few more times so I told him, let’s go to bed, and had him lie beside me. When my husband came home I told him that he wasn’t feeling well, and of course in typical dad fashion he said “the kid is fine, are we going to get panicked over every little thing that happens”. Anyway, my gut was right. He woke up crying uncontrollably. I tried to soothe him. He would go back to sleep and just wake up again in the same way.

I woke my husband up and told him that I think something is wrong. He ignored me and went back to sleep. Of course I was wide awake contemplating getting dressed and taking him in to the ER by myelf.

The third time he woke up, got up out of the bed and went to the bathroom, trying to put water on his face because it was “hot”. I followed him, and when I turned the light on, I almost fainted. One side of his face swollen so bad he was unrecognizable. I had to gather my legs under me, pick him up and console him in between getting dressed to take him to the hospital.

It turned out to be THAT serious because we spent 4 helpless days in the hospital with him, still not knowing what was wrong. I regret not acting sooner and sparing him the pain, he was in a lot of pain.

Fail #3

Back to preschool(can you tell I loved that center), they had an annual thanksgiving family lunch. Now those of you in the corporate world know, sometimes it’s difficult to break away during the work day. This particular year, I made it, but I got there late. When the other kids were having lunch with parents/grandparents, my son was at the teachers table because he had no one. At that age, you might think they don’t get it but they certainly do. His teacher told me he was sad. I hated that. No parent wants to disappoint their child, even for a short time. Thank God that one was short lived.

There was also grandparents day where he was probably the only child without someone there. I would try to stay on a little and have breakfast with him so he didn’t feel left out. He has 2 grandmothers but they were live far away. This one year, another grand-dad adopted him for the day(God bless him). He enjoyed having a doting grand-dad, at least for a day.

I always try to make it to my son’s school events to support him. I strongly believe those are the things they will remember in life more that the gifts you give them. When I think back to my own childhood those are the memories I hold dearest of my parents, especially my father since he’s not with us any more.

We are not perfect, but we are good enough

Despite all of these incidents, which might have felt like huge failures at the time, I have come to realize that as mothers we need to give ourselves a break. It’s not the end of the world, we are not super humans, even though our kids might think so. The most important thing is to keep giving it our best shot but knowing that we will fall short sometimes. It’s not about perfection.

Here is a link to a video where some children are telling how they feel about their mommies. I am sure your children feel the same way. Enjoy! [Video Source: B3 Parenting Magazine]

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!!!

Conversations With My Son: Why did You Get a RED Star?

Those of you that have kids in kindergarten might be familiar with the behavior reporting system that some teachers implement to keep them in line and to keep parents abreast of how they are doing behavior-wise on a daily basis. My son’s classroom has a clip system, where they start out in the middle on “ready to learn” and they can either go up or down depending on how they do on that day. The best possible is “outstanding” (pink star) and the worst possible is “parent contact”(red star).

My son has had a pretty difficult week this week(not sure what’s happening), and he ended the week with a red star. Of course he came home knowing that we would not be happy about that and went straight to sleep.

Now as a (good) parent, you want your child to do well and be the best version of themselves. In a country where your color determines how you are perceived, you don’t want to give fodder to that viewpoint(this is real people). You want to raise a strong black man, who is able to maneuver successfully despite the odds that are stacked against him.

Questions

How do you bring that out in your child without breaking his spirit, without him losing himself and who he innately is? How do you reinforce positive behaviors while correcting the bad ones?

Parenting Styles

I have been doing some research on parenting styles and how they can impact children. Because you know we don’t get a manual on how to do this. I found some info that I’d like to share with you because I am sure some of you struggle with this as well. In summary there are 4 main types(and they are not mutually exclusive).

Authoritarian – this is where parents set the rules and expect children to follow without exception. I call this “because I said so” parenting. Prominent in this style is punishment. Based on psychological research this style of parenting can lead to self-esteem problems even though children raised with this style may be more likely to follow the rules.

Authoritative – this is where parents set rules and expect children to follow, however there are some exceptions. Parents using this style may tell children why the rules are what they are and are willing to consider their feelings in setting limits. There are more consequences for actions rather than punishment and there are usually positive consequences for positive behaviors; usually a reward system. Children raised with this parenting style tend to be happier and more successful later in life as they are comfortable evaluating risks on their own.

Permissive – this is where parents don’t offer much discipline. They take a “kids will be kids” approach and only step in when things have gotten really bad. Parents using this style tend to be more of a friend to their children. They talk about issues with their children but don’t generally discourage bad behaviors. Children raised with this style may struggle academically and not appreciate authority and rules.

Uninvolved – this is where parents are just plain old neglectful(believe it or not there are parents out there like this). They often do not meet the basic needs of their children and expect that the children will raise themselves or each other. There are no rules and no nurturing or parental attention.

Source: https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Can you figure out what style(s) you are?

Our Conversation

I thought back to a previous conversation we had about another “red star” day. Usually, we would let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that he would need to do better the next day. That day I decided to take a different approach. I asked him what happened. Of course he said “I don’t know”. He just didn’t want to talk about it. So I proceeded to explain to him(as gently and reasonably as I could) that we have to be honest with each other(even if he thinks he will be in trouble) because I won’t be able to help him if he’s not. Amazingly, he understood.

He relayed the events to me, obviously still upset. It was picture day and he had worn his new shirt to school. They had recess before the pictures were taken and there was another boy who kept tugging his shirt on the playground. He said he told him to stop. When he wouldn’t he went and told his teacher. The teacher spoke to them and told them to go play. But the other child kept tugging his shirt so asked him if he’s stupid. Oops! That word is taboo in schools nowadays. The little boy told and gained him a red star.

Now as a parent, when you hear stories like this, you want to say “OK, never mind”, and just keep it moving. But unfortunately, we have to start teaching our black sons how to handle themselves to avoid situations like this if possible while still standing up for themselves.

After he said that, I actually had tears in my eyes because I was thinking ahead to him being a 6 ft something 20 years old young black man, being provoked, retaliating and then having to face consequences for actions that he didn’t start. That’s real!

My Response

I thought about it a little bit and tried to think of the best way to respond. All this time he was sitting in my lap with his head on my chest. I looked at him and said. “I understand.”. And that was all it took.

He loosened up and his whole demeanor changed. I went on to explain that sometimes we get frustrated with others because of the things they do, and that’s OK. What is not OK is when we call others names. We are going to try to work on that. He asked “Then what should I do?”. I told him to not to play with that kid any more if he keeps annoying him and to keep reporting it until something is done. That’s all I could come up with that was appropriate for a 5 year old.

I am so grateful for his previous pre-school. They got it right. They did not punish but rather had consequences for actions(good or bad). I asked him “If I robbed a bank, what would happen?”. His response “You would go to jail”. So I said “That’s the consequence”. So I asked “So how do you prevent consequences for bad actions?” He said “Don’t rob a bank!”. I had to laugh because it was funny, but I think he got it.

What I suggest

Talk to your kids

No matter how young they are start having conversations with them and learn their personalities and how they are forming their view of the world. That’s the only way we as parents will have an opportunity to catch things that will probably lead them to make wrong choices. My belief is that children should respect parents and adults in general, but we should also try to understand them. Listen to them. Get to know them. The world has changed so much since we were children. The generation gap is widening every day but there are some fundamental values that I think should remain.

Don’t judge them

As young as my son is, if he feels like you’ve judged the situation before he’s had a chance to explain, that’s it. And I’m speaking to myself as well, don’t judge them before you know the whole story. If you don’t know it, listen. And after you listen, show some humanity. Let them know what aspects of what they did is OK, and what’s not. You don’t get a chance to do that if you don’t hear it. We have to encourage honesty, regardless of what they deem the consequences to be. Punishment is not always the best response either. If there are consequences for actions, explain them and why. The aim is to change the behavior.

I know each child is different, and what works for my child will probably be different for yours. So I hope you can find something useful in my situation. We all want to raise positive, well adjusted adults. That starts from day 1. Whoever said parenting was easy??

Thanks again for stopping by and sharing in my ramblings. Please remember to subscribe and follow us on social media so you never miss out! See you soon.

The Truth About Parents

Being a parent is one of the most unique undertakings I have engaged in in my entire life. I’m sure all the parents out there can relate. It’s tough yet rewarding at the same time. The same people who make you want to scream and tear your hair out, melt your heart in an instant.

I have always heard it said if you thought you knew love before, wait until you have a child. I can certainly attest to that 100 percent. So much so that I cannot fathom how anyone could intentionally cause harm to their own kids. That’s beyond my ability to comprehend.

This brings me to the notion of our own parents. And this question is for those of us who have been fortunate to attain adulthood and still have our parents around… isn’t it interesting how the dynamic of your relationship with your parents evolves and changes over time? How you manage the balance between showing them respect, even fear(healthy) as your parents, seeking their advice on things, but yet becoming their guides in a changing world and for some even their caregivers. It’s as if you were becoming the parent to them, almost.(I also want to give a shout out to those who were raised by people other than biological parents. This post refers to those care givers as well).

A childhood friend of mine reached out to me this week about a surprise birthday event she was planning for her father who was about to celebrate his 75th birthday. First of all, it struck me. 75!!! What was she saying? Didn’t make sense. Then I thought about my own mother and realized, hmmmm she’s pretty close to that too. I started thinking about the varying relationships I have noticed between my adult friends and their own parents. Some were good, others not so good. And while I am not judging anyone’s relationship with their parents, because I really don’t know, I thought back to my own parents and some lessons I have learnt as an adult that can help me to understand them more and have a better relationship. Maybe they can help you too.

Here are 3 thoughts to bear in mind when it comes to our parents.

Cherish Them

I think this is where we should all start. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. I knew what I had, but I still lost it. My dad of blessed memory. You can read my story about my father’s passing in a previous post. I don’t think I could even have gotten to the place I am now if I had somehow had a bad relationship with him and then to have lost him the way I did. I know he knew he was loved by us and we knew the same. Even though I had not seen him for a year when he passed away, he understood why and we had been keeping close contact.

So those of you who may have strained relationships with your parents, please, try to make it right. Remember you’re now an adult as well so you can communicate and work through things as adults, together. If you should lose them while you’re in that state, trust me, you will take a much longer time to go through the pain of the loss. I know this is not a one size fits all, but I know this is speaking to somebody out there. Cherish your parents!

READ: Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

Train Them

Now this might sound strange, but you really need to do this. Remember, some of them are not used to having adult children who are now responsible for making their own life choices, whether they like them or not. You need to help them make that transition. It’s not easy for them. They brought you into this world and have been responsible for you for a very long time. They are used to telling you what to do.

This doesn’t have to be combative; not like a rebellious teen. I know, they tell you how to raise your kids, how to cook your meals, how to run your household, your life even… But slowly helping them adjust to the changing nature of the relationship between you and them will go a far way.

Forgive Them

This is last on the list but certainly not least. We need to forgive our parents. For those of us that are parents ourselves, we know that being a parent is not an easy task. No-one teaches you how to do it. You don’t get a manual for it. You either make the decision to have a child or you’re forced to and from then on it’s sink or swim.

We learn most of our parenting from our parents. We either mimic them or we decide we will do it differently. Either way, we make that judgement call, daily, how we will parent our kids.

If we think about how challenging it is for ourselves, why do we think that it was any easier for our parents??? They were not perfect, sometimes far from it. But many of them made the best decisions with the resources they had at the time. Looking back, even they may have done it differently. But that’s the thing about life… you don’t get a do-over. Just got to move forward and make adjustments as you go. Resentment for past actions is not the way to go. Forgive them!

Finally, I truly believe that it’s our responsibility to build on what our parents have given us. We should endeavor to make it better for the next generation, and so on. So we should move on from the mistakes of past generations and we should also expect the generation we leave behind to do the same. If we keep that perspective, the world will continually be a better place. I know this sounds like a “world peace” speech but it’s a simple concept. And it begins(or continues) with us.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me. I really feel this will speak to someone(even just one) and that will be enough for me.

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Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

How do you survive the death a parent when you are far away from home? Read on!

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin

Some people evade taxes. Most of us pay our dues; and then some. Death, however is the ultimate equalizer. It’s a path everyone, bar none, must take. Yet it seems we never ever get used to it.

My father passed away suddenly on December 27, 2009. Seven long years ago, yet it still seems surreal to me that he is no longer with us. I still talk about him as if he is still alive. I am sure those of you who have experienced this can relate.

The call

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Having been in the US for about a year and just started working, it wasn’t the time to be taking vacations even though I missed my family. I decided that I wouldn’t be going back home to visit for at least another year. You know how vacation eligibility works in corporate America. And besides, I was working as a contractor back then so every hour counted to my pocket book.

I got a strange call from my mother early that Sunday morning. She didn’t give me details only to say that my father was really sick and things were not looking good. I was ready to board a plane because I had to see him! That was my dad you were talking about. She convinced me not to do it. So I waited, panicked as I could be. Only to get another call a few hours later that he didn’t make it.

I was devastated. I couldn’t contain myself. The shock, overwhelming grief, the pain, the hurt, the unanswered questions… wanting to see him, to speak to him, to hug him one last time. But I was thousands of miles away. Far away from my family and friends, my support system.

How did I handle it?

I grieved

I cried, I hollered, I screamed, I rolled, I heaved, I cried out to God, I asked why…you name it… I did it. That was grieving for me. Whatever I felt like doing, that’s just what I did. No trying to think rational, or being strong or having anyone talk me out of just wallowing in my state. I just let loose.

This happened on Sunday so I took the next day off work. I hadn’t slept and just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I grieved some more.

By this time the calls were coming in from far and wide. I was in a much better position to speak. But when I could not, I just didn’t. I was polite but some conversations I just didn’t engage in. It was just not the time.

I did not rush the process

Even though I was back at work by Tuesday(bank account calling), the heaviness in my heart began to feel physical. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of my chest. I put my best foot forward, trying to focus as best as I could on the tasks at hand. Not giving myself the room to think too much. When my mind wandered, I wrote. I wrote letters to my dad, I wrote letters to God. I just wrote. Being far away from home with no-one to spontaneously talk to when I needed to left me feeling lonely and helpless. That was tough.

I wasn’t there to support my mother and that weighed heavily on me. But kudos to my younger brother(my only sibling), he was a tower of strength for all of us during that time.

I held on to the memories

My daddy was my hero, my champion, my cheer leader, my encourager. He and my mother gave us the tools we needed to become well-adjusted adults. They taught us to love God and lived as shining examples for us.

I have so many fond memories of him just being a really good dad. I still draw on these experiences whenever I begin to feel sad(I am tearing up even as I am writing this post). Even though he was an ordinary man, my father, he walked with princes and paupers alike. He held the respect and admiration of all who he came in contact with.

Of the myriad of memories of my dad, one that I recalled with my husband recently was when I was about to start my final undergraduate year at the university in Jamaica. I had worked all summer and was looking forward to completing my university career while resident on campus. I fell really ill and passed out in the hallway of the dorm; just fell flat on my face.

While I was recovering, he took public transportation up to the campus and came and camped out in my room just to keep me company. He just sat there and watched me while I slept, and no doubt prayed. I don’t even think he ate!! He just needed to know I was OK and I felt so secure having him there with me. Even now I feel like he still watches over me.

I faced it and got closure

The time came for me to go home. I was forced to once again face the reality of him being gone. That was by far the toughest part of this whole journey. Somehow in the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, when I got there I would walk into the house and see him sitting in his favorite chair watching cricket(which was what he was doing when he passed away). My world was about to be rocked once again. I relived the whole experience of losing him all over again.

Looking back I realized that I had to go through it. I needed closure. So I grieved once again. I talked about him. I looked through his stuff. Even though I had spoken to him the day before he died, I had to “feel” his presence one more time.

Many people visited with us while I was there. The stories they told of how he touched their lives started to comfort me. On the day of his funeral, our local church, which is pretty large, was overflowing its pews and balconies. Literally hundreds of people had come to pay their final respects. There was standing room only. If I had any doubt, I confirmed that his was a life well lived and I knew he was resting well. He was at peace. He legacy was intact. That’s all you can ask for.

I know some of you might be going through a similar situation or will do so at some point in your life. I hope my experience and my coping strategies provide comfort and help you find ways to handle it.

Please comment below with any feedback. Let me know if you like these kinds of posts as well.