parenting Archives - Diary of a Jamerican Mom

Tribute to My Father

This is a guest post by my brother in tribute to our father for Father’s Day.

With Father’s Day less than twenty four hours (24) away, it is difficult to erase the memory of my own dad’s significant impact on my life. Here are the attributes that made Daddy, Uncle Val(as he was affectionately called by all) my hero.

F – Faithful

Daddy was extremely faithful to his family. There would be no special occasion that would go by without him making a special attempt to keep the family ties going. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Graduations: you name it, he was always there. Whenever separated by distance, he was always just a telephone call away.

A – Articulate

His formal education was limited as far as modern standards dictate. However, he was well schooled in the street side university and also from the teachings and learnings of his favorite books 📚- all sixty-six (66) of them(if you know what I mean). He also took interest in the famous philosopher Kahlil Gibran whose work has spanned many decades and is still appropriate today. He was always one to ask us to help him find an appropriate quote from some wise person for use in his speaking engagements. Daddy was a man of few words but he always seemed to get his point across in an effective manner.

T – Teacher

Although our mother was the one with the formal training in education, Daddy was a teacher in his own right. Giving us valuable lessons in life and indeed survival skills. He taught me how to tie a tie, how to shave… Things some of us take for granted until we have no one to show us. Engendering in us love for the Creator, love for self, love for family and love for our fellow man. His calm, unperturbed persona was always a joy to behold.

H – Humility, Humor, Happiness

His attributes beginning with H are so numerous and it would be a gross injustice to omit them

Humility was his hallmark. This also ties back to his love for his fellow human beings – Daddy was able to move with princes and paupers with adept ease.

Humor was his trademark. He had an impeccable sense of humor and had the uncanny ability to make the most difficult situation light.

Happiness – he was a firm believer in being happy in whatever circumstance

E – Entertaining

Daddy was a joy to be around. He was always the consummate entertainer. Entertainment took place in various forms – his many stories, jokes, facial expressions, gesticulations or his dancing at church during choir recitals or even the work experience. As a lay preacher, his messages were always well received. Through my critical eyes he would always solicit my feedback – using one of his favorite quotes :- ‘blessings come down as a sweet smelling savior[savor]’). Even while giving the word of Salvation, he would find a moment, in a humorous way, to identify the particular church member who was dosing or the individual who was unfortunately stepping in late.

R – Real

As a father he always kept it real, telling it to his children as he saw the situation. He would say ‘Listen [insert names here], it is what it is.’ This has helped us to stay grounded.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Make no mistake, our mother was the captain of the ship, but he was definitely a great co-captain in his own right. Indeed Daddy, you were a “Mountain of a Man”.

It has been seven long years since you have been gone, but your memory lives on. You have left an indelible impression on our lives that can never be erased. If there was one regret I have in you leaving us when you did, it’s that you never got a chance to met your only grandson. I want to let you know that he loves you, even though you never met. I am sure you do too. He keeps your photos in his room. At times he cries because he never got a chance to meet you. Breaks my heart…

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again

– Excerpt from Luther Vandross’ “Dance with my father again”

Watch the video here

How to Handle Mommy Fail Moments

I’m not sure, maybe because Mother’s Day is coming, but I feel like I’m in full on mommy mode as far as my blog is concerned. I read a post from a fellow Jamaican blogger yesterday and it also added a little fuel to that fire. Made me start thinking of my “mommy fail moments”. I hope I’m not the only one who has had them.

I don’t think I am alone in this, but everything I do, every decision I make, every moment of the day, I think about my son. How my choices will affect him, am I raising him the “right way”, and by right way I mean in a way that will be suitable and effective for him. And don’t confuse this with meaning that I want to do for him what he likes, because that’s not it. My primary goal above all is to equip him for life so he is able to function and make good choices no matter what life throws at him. Help him develop good coping skills.

Fail #1

My son’s preschool has an annual trike-a-thon. This was a day when you would bring in their tricycles to school so they could ride to collect funds on behalf of St Jude’s Children Hospital. The day came, I dropped him to school and totally forgot to take his trike. I spoke with his morning teacher and she said not to worry, he could use one from the center. I was working 30 miles away at that time so it wasn’t an option for me to go home and get it.

When I went to pick him up in the evening, his afternoon teacher started shaking her head as soon as she saw me. She asked why I did that to him. I was a little confused at first.. She pulled me aside and began to lightly scold me. She said “You know how aware he is of what’s going on. Why would you forget his trike?”. He had gotten into it with another child who had a trike similar to the one he had at home. And became well aware that he was probably the only child without his own and got pretty upset. He was about 2 1/2 at the time.

I felt so ashamed from the scolding I got, but most of all, for knowing I contributed to his disappointment. He was confused because he thought the trike was his, and then when he found out that it wasn’t, he felt left out. I felt like I failed him.

From that day on I purposed to not contribute to him feeling left out of those kind of group activities. He’s older now, so we can have a conversation about these things and make choices together.

Fail #2

Mommies and some fathers can usually relate to the natural instinct about what’s going on with their child. Sometimes we dismiss it, doubt ourselves and sometimes to their detriment. I remember about 2 1/2 years ago, I was alone with him at home. My husband had his staff party that night and I opted not to go. I gave him a bath and he was in my bedroom playing, but at the same time complaining that his throat hurt.

I took note, but since he was still playing I decided to watch him a little closer. There was nothing visible that I could see. He complained a few more times so I told him, let’s go to bed, and had him lie beside me. When my husband came home I told him that he wasn’t feeling well, and of course in typical dad fashion he said “the kid is fine, are we going to get panicked over every little thing that happens”. Anyway, my gut was right. He woke up crying uncontrollably. I tried to soothe him. He would go back to sleep and just wake up again in the same way.

I woke my husband up and told him that I think something is wrong. He ignored me and went back to sleep. Of course I was wide awake contemplating getting dressed and taking him in to the ER by myelf.

The third time he woke up, got up out of the bed and went to the bathroom, trying to put water on his face because it was “hot”. I followed him, and when I turned the light on, I almost fainted. One side of his face swollen so bad he was unrecognizable. I had to gather my legs under me, pick him up and console him in between getting dressed to take him to the hospital.

It turned out to be THAT serious because we spent 4 helpless days in the hospital with him, still not knowing what was wrong. I regret not acting sooner and sparing him the pain, he was in a lot of pain.

Fail #3

Back to preschool(can you tell I loved that center), they had an annual thanksgiving family lunch. Now those of you in the corporate world know, sometimes it’s difficult to break away during the work day. This particular year, I made it, but I got there late. When the other kids were having lunch with parents/grandparents, my son was at the teachers table because he had no one. At that age, you might think they don’t get it but they certainly do. His teacher told me he was sad. I hated that. No parent wants to disappoint their child, even for a short time. Thank God that one was short lived.

There was also grandparents day where he was probably the only child without someone there. I would try to stay on a little and have breakfast with him so he didn’t feel left out. He has 2 grandmothers but they were live far away. This one year, another grand-dad adopted him for the day(God bless him). He enjoyed having a doting grand-dad, at least for a day.

I always try to make it to my son’s school events to support him. I strongly believe those are the things they will remember in life more that the gifts you give them. When I think back to my own childhood those are the memories I hold dearest of my parents, especially my father since he’s not with us any more.

We are not perfect, but we are good enough

Despite all of these incidents, which might have felt like huge failures at the time, I have come to realize that as mothers we need to give ourselves a break. It’s not the end of the world, we are not super humans, even though our kids might think so. The most important thing is to keep giving it our best shot but knowing that we will fall short sometimes. It’s not about perfection.

Here is a link to a video where some children are telling how they feel about their mommies. I am sure your children feel the same way. Enjoy! [Video Source: B3 Parenting Magazine]

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!!!

Conversations With My Son: Why did You Get a RED Star?

Those of you that have kids in kindergarten might be familiar with the behavior reporting system that some teachers implement to keep them in line and to keep parents abreast of how they are doing behavior-wise on a daily basis. My son’s classroom has a clip system, where they start out in the middle on “ready to learn” and they can either go up or down depending on how they do on that day. The best possible is “outstanding” (pink star) and the worst possible is “parent contact”(red star).

My son has had a pretty difficult week this week(not sure what’s happening), and he ended the week with a red star. Of course he came home knowing that we would not be happy about that and went straight to sleep.

Now as a (good) parent, you want your child to do well and be the best version of themselves. In a country where your color determines how you are perceived, you don’t want to give fodder to that viewpoint(this is real people). You want to raise a strong black man, who is able to maneuver successfully despite the odds that are stacked against him.

Questions

How do you bring that out in your child without breaking his spirit, without him losing himself and who he innately is? How do you reinforce positive behaviors while correcting the bad ones?

Parenting Styles

I have been doing some research on parenting styles and how they can impact children. Because you know we don’t get a manual on how to do this. I found some info that I’d like to share with you because I am sure some of you struggle with this as well. In summary there are 4 main types(and they are not mutually exclusive).

Authoritarian – this is where parents set the rules and expect children to follow without exception. I call this “because I said so” parenting. Prominent in this style is punishment. Based on psychological research this style of parenting can lead to self-esteem problems even though children raised with this style may be more likely to follow the rules.

Authoritative – this is where parents set rules and expect children to follow, however there are some exceptions. Parents using this style may tell children why the rules are what they are and are willing to consider their feelings in setting limits. There are more consequences for actions rather than punishment and there are usually positive consequences for positive behaviors; usually a reward system. Children raised with this parenting style tend to be happier and more successful later in life as they are comfortable evaluating risks on their own.

Permissive – this is where parents don’t offer much discipline. They take a “kids will be kids” approach and only step in when things have gotten really bad. Parents using this style tend to be more of a friend to their children. They talk about issues with their children but don’t generally discourage bad behaviors. Children raised with this style may struggle academically and not appreciate authority and rules.

Uninvolved – this is where parents are just plain old neglectful(believe it or not there are parents out there like this). They often do not meet the basic needs of their children and expect that the children will raise themselves or each other. There are no rules and no nurturing or parental attention.

Source: https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Can you figure out what style(s) you are?

Our Conversation

I thought back to a previous conversation we had about another “red star” day. Usually, we would let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that he would need to do better the next day. That day I decided to take a different approach. I asked him what happened. Of course he said “I don’t know”. He just didn’t want to talk about it. So I proceeded to explain to him(as gently and reasonably as I could) that we have to be honest with each other(even if he thinks he will be in trouble) because I won’t be able to help him if he’s not. Amazingly, he understood.

He relayed the events to me, obviously still upset. It was picture day and he had worn his new shirt to school. They had recess before the pictures were taken and there was another boy who kept tugging his shirt on the playground. He said he told him to stop. When he wouldn’t he went and told his teacher. The teacher spoke to them and told them to go play. But the other child kept tugging his shirt so asked him if he’s stupid. Oops! That word is taboo in schools nowadays. The little boy told and gained him a red star.

Now as a parent, when you hear stories like this, you want to say “OK, never mind”, and just keep it moving. But unfortunately, we have to start teaching our black sons how to handle themselves to avoid situations like this if possible while still standing up for themselves.

After he said that, I actually had tears in my eyes because I was thinking ahead to him being a 6 ft something 20 years old young black man, being provoked, retaliating and then having to face consequences for actions that he didn’t start. That’s real!

My Response

I thought about it a little bit and tried to think of the best way to respond. All this time he was sitting in my lap with his head on my chest. I looked at him and said. “I understand.”. And that was all it took.

He loosened up and his whole demeanor changed. I went on to explain that sometimes we get frustrated with others because of the things they do, and that’s OK. What is not OK is when we call others names. We are going to try to work on that. He asked “Then what should I do?”. I told him to not to play with that kid any more if he keeps annoying him and to keep reporting it until something is done. That’s all I could come up with that was appropriate for a 5 year old.

I am so grateful for his previous pre-school. They got it right. They did not punish but rather had consequences for actions(good or bad). I asked him “If I robbed a bank, what would happen?”. His response “You would go to jail”. So I said “That’s the consequence”. So I asked “So how do you prevent consequences for bad actions?” He said “Don’t rob a bank!”. I had to laugh because it was funny, but I think he got it.

What I suggest

Talk to your kids

No matter how young they are start having conversations with them and learn their personalities and how they are forming their view of the world. That’s the only way we as parents will have an opportunity to catch things that will probably lead them to make wrong choices. My belief is that children should respect parents and adults in general, but we should also try to understand them. Listen to them. Get to know them. The world has changed so much since we were children. The generation gap is widening every day but there are some fundamental values that I think should remain.

Don’t judge them

As young as my son is, if he feels like you’ve judged the situation before he’s had a chance to explain, that’s it. And I’m speaking to myself as well, don’t judge them before you know the whole story. If you don’t know it, listen. And after you listen, show some humanity. Let them know what aspects of what they did is OK, and what’s not. You don’t get a chance to do that if you don’t hear it. We have to encourage honesty, regardless of what they deem the consequences to be. Punishment is not always the best response either. If there are consequences for actions, explain them and why. The aim is to change the behavior.

I know each child is different, and what works for my child will probably be different for yours. So I hope you can find something useful in my situation. We all want to raise positive, well adjusted adults. That starts from day 1. Whoever said parenting was easy??

Thanks again for stopping by and sharing in my ramblings. Please remember to subscribe and follow us on social media so you never miss out! See you soon.

The Truth About Parents

Being a parent is one of the most unique undertakings I have engaged in in my entire life. I’m sure all the parents out there can relate. It’s tough yet rewarding at the same time. The same people who make you want to scream and tear your hair out, melt your heart in an instant.

I have always heard it said if you thought you knew love before, wait until you have a child. I can certainly attest to that 100 percent. So much so that I cannot fathom how anyone could intentionally cause harm to their own kids. That’s beyond my ability to comprehend.

This brings me to the notion of our own parents. And this question is for those of us who have been fortunate to attain adulthood and still have our parents around… isn’t it interesting how the dynamic of your relationship with your parents evolves and changes over time? How you manage the balance between showing them respect, even fear(healthy) as your parents, seeking their advice on things, but yet becoming their guides in a changing world and for some even their caregivers. It’s as if you were becoming the parent to them, almost.(I also want to give a shout out to those who were raised by people other than biological parents. This post refers to those care givers as well).

A childhood friend of mine reached out to me this week about a surprise birthday event she was planning for her father who was about to celebrate his 75th birthday. First of all, it struck me. 75!!! What was she saying? Didn’t make sense. Then I thought about my own mother and realized, hmmmm she’s pretty close to that too. I started thinking about the varying relationships I have noticed between my adult friends and their own parents. Some were good, others not so good. And while I am not judging anyone’s relationship with their parents, because I really don’t know, I thought back to my own parents and some lessons I have learnt as an adult that can help me to understand them more and have a better relationship. Maybe they can help you too.

Here are 3 thoughts to bear in mind when it comes to our parents.

Cherish Them

I think this is where we should all start. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. I knew what I had, but I still lost it. My dad of blessed memory. You can read my story about my father’s passing in a previous post. I don’t think I could even have gotten to the place I am now if I had somehow had a bad relationship with him and then to have lost him the way I did. I know he knew he was loved by us and we knew the same. Even though I had not seen him for a year when he passed away, he understood why and we had been keeping close contact.

So those of you who may have strained relationships with your parents, please, try to make it right. Remember you’re now an adult as well so you can communicate and work through things as adults, together. If you should lose them while you’re in that state, trust me, you will take a much longer time to go through the pain of the loss. I know this is not a one size fits all, but I know this is speaking to somebody out there. Cherish your parents!

READ: Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

Train Them

Now this might sound strange, but you really need to do this. Remember, some of them are not used to having adult children who are now responsible for making their own life choices, whether they like them or not. You need to help them make that transition. It’s not easy for them. They brought you into this world and have been responsible for you for a very long time. They are used to telling you what to do.

This doesn’t have to be combative; not like a rebellious teen. I know, they tell you how to raise your kids, how to cook your meals, how to run your household, your life even… But slowly helping them adjust to the changing nature of the relationship between you and them will go a far way.

Forgive Them

This is last on the list but certainly not least. We need to forgive our parents. For those of us that are parents ourselves, we know that being a parent is not an easy task. No-one teaches you how to do it. You don’t get a manual for it. You either make the decision to have a child or you’re forced to and from then on it’s sink or swim.

We learn most of our parenting from our parents. We either mimic them or we decide we will do it differently. Either way, we make that judgement call, daily, how we will parent our kids.

If we think about how challenging it is for ourselves, why do we think that it was any easier for our parents??? They were not perfect, sometimes far from it. But many of them made the best decisions with the resources they had at the time. Looking back, even they may have done it differently. But that’s the thing about life… you don’t get a do-over. Just got to move forward and make adjustments as you go. Resentment for past actions is not the way to go. Forgive them!

Finally, I truly believe that it’s our responsibility to build on what our parents have given us. We should endeavor to make it better for the next generation, and so on. So we should move on from the mistakes of past generations and we should also expect the generation we leave behind to do the same. If we keep that perspective, the world will continually be a better place. I know this sounds like a “world peace” speech but it’s a simple concept. And it begins(or continues) with us.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me. I really feel this will speak to someone(even just one) and that will be enough for me.

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Tag: parenting